Lisa: also, they're British

Me: "I was watching this show, The Bletchley Circle. It's everything that I like."
Blake: "Women power, solving crimes, and...books?"
Me: "...and the 1950s. How did you DO that?"

Lisa: hashing it out

Lisa: Is Lion King the first Disney with explicitly premeditated murder? Or do, like, the oysters on Alice In Wonderland count?
Jeannie: Snow White? I mean - she didn't die, but the witch tried.
Lisa: She just tried to put her to sleep, though, right? It's not the Grimm version.
Lisa: Hmm. Also, Gaston does purposely incite a mob to try to kill the Beast.
Jeannie: That too. What about Bambi?
Lisa: I think hunters would argue they aren't murdering animals.
Jeannie: Right, but Disney gave it personality. And based a movie around an animal. Where do we draw the line? Because...the lions are animals too.
Lisa: Also Maleficent tried to murder Aurora, but Merryweather softened the spell.
Lisa: But in Lion King it's animal-on-animal violence. I think it's another level.
Jeannie: Some gnarly shit going down.
Lisa: Truth.
Lisa: Maleficent's was arguably a crime of passion.
Jeannie: I think either way you have to go with some assumptions. They're animals so it's all good, or they're characters so you have feelings about deaths. No matter who commits them.
Lisa: No, because the humans in Bambi are like unseen, all-powerful, dangerous gods. It's like being killed by a tornado. I mean, obviously you have feelings about Bambi's mom's death. It's a tragic truth of the wild, though.
Jeannie: One could say the same thing then about lions killing each other.
Lisa: You don't see them evilly plotting to kill Bambi's mom specifically, like Scar.
Jeannie: That is true. I still cry when I watch that.
Lisa: The humans in Bambi are at worst like the rainforest-clearing developers in FernGully.
Jeannie: I guess the end result is still the same. But you're arguing intent affects how you feel about this.
Lisa: Yes. I guess I'm arguing am I encouraging my child to plot the murder of a sibling who gets in the way of her ambitions? Which I consider worse than encouraging her to become a hunter.
Jeannie: Okay. That's another story, right? Have you read Cain and Abel to her? (Joke)
Lisa: Hee. And no. Have you read Robin the one where Gaia kills the wiccans?
Lisa: I've literally got nothing.
Jeannie: Hahahahaha. I have a bible, okay? It is fascinating. And the basis for a lot of amazing literature. Pertinent: one of my all-time faves, East of Eden.
Lisa: Well, don't read it to Robin. That shit is violent
Lisa: -ly boring.

Lisa: fever all through the night

Some people need their phone taken away when they get drunk. Maybe I should have mine taken away when I have a fever. Here's what happened when Sarah texted me, concerned, after reading my tweet a few nights ago. (Original questionable spelling and grammar choices preserved for your enjoyment.)

Tweet: Low: tried to turn down electric blanket because it was burning my face; it was unplugged. High: invented new videogame
Sarah: Oh no Lisa, YOUR FACE.
Lisa: Told you
Lisa: Don't worry blanket turned on now. I AM INVINCIBLE
Lisa: Also nanotechnology just became self aware. So loud
Lisa: Small comfort: it seems to be chaotic neutral. Hhahahahahhha
Sarah: I don't know what that means but I hope you wrote down your video game
Lisa: Easy, first person shooter where the camera is actually a separate character
Sarah: Dave thinks that maybe you should see a doctor.
Lisa: Too cold there
Sarah: What is your current temp?
Lisa: No idea. I wwould have to find thermometer. Blake left with girls
Lisa: He made me take advil i'm sure i'll be better soon. The nanobots
Sarah: Lisa, please don't spontaneously combust. It's very important to me.
Lisa: Mwah

Lisa: Well played, Melinda Clarke's publicity team

UPSIDE: If your television or low-budget movie production needs an attractive, seductive brunette of a certain age, you're in luck! There are three nearly identical actresses who have been capably filling that niche for years. One of them is sure to be free (probably Musetta Vander).

DOWNSIDE: If you are Polly Walker or Musetta Vander, all your acting credits are going to Melinda Clarke, because NOBODY KNOWS YOU ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

THE CANDIDATES

Sarah knows Melinda Clarke as Lady Heather, the so-called "Moddom" from CSI. Melinda played another brothel owner on Firefly, but you might remember her best as Julie Cooper on The O.C.. IMDB says she played a Siren on Charmed. Obviously.

When I see Musetta Vander, I can't think of anything but the praying mantis substitute teacher on Buffy. Apparently she also--like Melinda--played a Siren (this time on O Brother, Where Art Thou?) and some kind of corset-wearing villainous lady bodyguard on Wild Wild West.

Before some extensive Googling, I'd pretty much forgotten I'd seen Polly Walker as the "elegant" Jane Fairfax in Gwyneth Paltrow's Emma and (much further back) the beautiful but jaded Caroline Dester in Enchanted April. More relevantly, she appeared as Atia of the Julii on Rome, a character confusingly but aptly dubbed Julii Cooper on Television Without Pity. She hasn't played any characters named "Siren," and there don't seem to be any photos of her online in fetish wear. If there weren't so many completely nude stills from Rome, I'd be forced to call her the classy one.

YOU BE THE JUDGE

Honestly, if I told you these were all the same woman, you'd believe me, right?

AS IF FURTHER PROOF WAS NEEDED

I explained to Sarah that I was doing a little research in preparation for this post, and she inadvertently proved my point:

Lisa: "I had to physically stop myself from searching the Internet for photos of Polly Walker in a corset. Ten pages of Google Images results and nothing!"
Sarah: "What? There MUST be screen captures of her in a corset from CSI!"
Lisa: "Yes. The problem is that was Melinda Clarke."

EDITED TO ADD:

Blake peered over my shoulder at these three photos and emphatically stated they looked completely different. Then he pointed at the middle one (Musetta Vander), and said, "That looks like the lady who played Julie Cooper (Melinda Clarke). You know, the girl from Rome (Polly Walker)." SERVED, SERVED, SERVED.

Lisa: infomercials can be convincing

Me: I'm thinking of buying a shake weight.
Sarah: Bolsters your biceps and your sex life. Think of all the relationship bargaining power in your future.
Me: Clearly, they are a turn-on...as are taut upper arms.
Sarah: Ha!

Lisa: chivalry

2 am. Silence. I adjust the bedsheet.

Blake: "Are you happy now?"
Me: "...Yes?"
Blake: [pompous windbag voice] "Good, because your happiness is paramount to my LIFE."
Me: "Aw."
Blake: [snores]

Lisa: Viewing candy marketing is not a right.

Overheard in the checkout lane at Jo-Ann's.

Five-year-old boy: "Mom, I really, REALLY want to go to baby-bottle-pop-dot-com. Can I go to baby-bottle-pop-dot-com? Please?"
Harried but very well-groomed mom with Dolce & Gabbana purse: "No, you haven't earned that privilege."

Two minutes elapse.

Boy: "Mom, if I fill up all my stickers, can I go to em-and-ems-dot-com?"
Mom: (busy with one-year-old, who keeps throwing things out of the shopping cart)
Boy: "Okay, well I am going to keep this wrapper, so that I remember to go to em-and-ems-dot-com. OK, Mom? I am going to keep this wrapper. Mom?"

I have so many questions.

Lisa: sexy?

Sarah sent me the following text messages yesterday:

Sarah: I can hear Rocco humping his bed and it is...intimate.
Lisa: Ew.
S: I. Know. But who am I to say stop? He deserves a fulfilling life? Ugh.
L: Ew! But...dogs don't wear condoms, so I guess it is the more responsible choice.
S: Dogs also don't have the only 100% effective form of birth control: Levis.
L: Good point.

Later...

S: Aaand I now have Showtime.
L: Your TV situation confuses me.
S: Me too! Anyway. You should come over sometime. I bet we could see some titties.
L: Who doesn't like a good pair of titties?
S: They're the Sara Lee of anatomy.

This morning during the Diane Rehm show, I heard a radio commercial I had to investigate further. It was for PajamaGrams (now including pajama jeans!) Apparently, 'the gift of relaxation' is great for Mothers' Day. For a mere $45 - $75, you can have the loungewear of your choice delivered in a periwinkle or pink organza hatbox. (Yep. Organza. Hatbox.)

The good news is that pajama jeans (essentially wide-leg "jeggings" as far as I can tell) are still a 100% effective form of birth control: not because of their sturdy fabric and construction, but because no one wants to become intimate with someone wearing a pair. And can we just revel in that trademarked fabric name for a moment? DORMISOFT. I'm not going to say that this particular garment symbolizes the downfall of society, but...it is clearly a gift for someone you hate.

Sarah: Facebook Commentary

For you Facebook users: Do you feel like the latest redesign of Facebook has buried any vaguely interesting content that about what your friends are saying and instead presenting you with... well, not much?

Luckily, there are still ridiculous ads. And luckily my sister is hilarious. Observe:

From: Lisa
To: Sarah
Subject: question

What degree do you think these ladies are pursuing?

From: Lisa
To: Sarah
Subject: too busy to get a degree?

Yeah, when I saw this picture I was like, "that girl looks BUSY."

I like that girl. And I have a lot of ideas about how we can take photos together. A lot of ideas.

Lisa, start applying the frosted lipstick. I'll be right over to start weaving myself into your hair.

Lisa: she said/she said

Arguments I have had with my daughter in the last week:

• Brains make you smart vs brains make you strong
• If we had another baby, would it be Nora's little brother, or Nora's son?
• Whether it's pirates or vampires that suck blood

So far I think we have both only succeeded in becoming more convinced that we are each correct. And so it begins.

Sarah: In Which Sarah Overreacts

Mom: before you read this, I do not use drugs. I will not use drugs. Okay, carry on.

Sarah: Are you sitting down? Corey Haim died. Dude, only 38. That is too young.
Lisa: Aw, sad!
Sarah: Yeah, plus his BFF Feldman shunned him for his last year or two of life! Let's never shun each other. Even if I do get into drugs.
Lisa: Even if you are a bad influence on my kid.
Sarah: I'M SORRY.
Lisa: Well if you didn't take 85 downers a day, that would help.
Sarah: So what you're saying is that you will shun me. And I will die alone. And cats will sneak into my (meth)house and eat my face.
Lisa: No, I am saying that you will be a bad influence, but I will still never shun you. Because of our love.

Well alright then.

Lisa: Bridges

I should have known it was a bit ambitious to think I might blog every day of February, when I hadn't blogged at all for months. In the interest of keeping things going on the blog-front, and in honoring one of my favorite actors, Jeff Bridges, on his recent Oscar win, I bring you this:

Lisa: Tron: Legacy
Sarah: Yeah, it goes without saying that we'll be seeing that, right?
Lisa: Yes. It should. Although you did not make sure i saw Crazy Heart as instructed.
Sarah: Ha. YET.
Lisa: Also how could you not be awesome when your dad is this guy?
Samuel Harvey Graynamore
Sarah: Hee hee. Seriously. (Also, how did i not know that until now?)
Lisa: I just looked it up. It makes me just as happy as Keifer/Donald Sutherland.
Sarah: Hee. Seriously.
Lisa: Also he is the guy from the Airplane movies.
Sarah: I have never seen Airplane.
Lisa: Well, he is basically Leslie Nielsen, but wackier and less annoying?
Sarah: Hee. That's good.

Lisa: Bridges
Sarah: Who is squishy Bridges over there on the left? Because in that photo? Jeff is lookin feeeeeeine!
Lisa: Well there is a reason I like him, doy. And Beau Bridges. I think also an actor?
Sarah: Whoa, really? He usually doesn't look that squidgy. He usually looks like the love child of Jeff Bridges and John Ritter.
Lisa: Fencing on Fairfield
Sarah: Ha. That makes me uncomfortable.
Lisa: Hee. Peace & Love Beau Bridges has what i like to call an "eyebrow situation."
Sarah: hee

Lisa: Too bad Jeff Bridges and Val Kilmer aren't farther apart in age. They could have played a convincing father/son.
Sarah: hee
Lisa: Val Kilmer has become Bridgier than Jeff Bridges
Sarah: HOLY CRAP. I THOUGHT THAT WAS JEFF BRIDGES UNTIL I READ THE TEXT.
Lisa: Hee. I know, right? Like, "why is Lisa sending me this unattractive and yet unsurprisingly run-of-the-mill photo of Jeff Bridges?"
Lisa: Oh no, Val: Val Kilmer Fat Whence Iceman??
Sarah: I did not need to see that. That was unpleasant.
Lisa: His abs were a national treasure. HE DID NOT PROTECT THEM AS HE SHOULD HAVE!

Lisa: Just saying. With great power comes great responsibility.

Lisa: Whoa: Fotos
Sarah: That was Jeff Bridges as the lead singer of Red Hot Chili Peppers and I was not prepared for that.
Lisa: Heeeeeee. Sorry.
Sarah: But also, nice onramps, Jeff.
Lisa: Right.

Lisa: This is my favorite Jeff Bridges: Full Jeff Bridges
Sarah: Hee. That is the Jeff Bridges equivalent of the Swingers Vince Vaughn.
Lisa: Well I like that Vince Vaughn, too.
Sarah: Exactly!

It's good for a girl to know her type.

Sarah: In Which Sarah Changes Her Mind

Sarah: So. Lady GaGa was named the Creative Director for the Polaroid brand.
Lisa: HA. That? is unfortunate.
S: Yeah.
L: But also possibly genius.
S: I am feeling very torn. On one hand, she's kind of done brilliant marketing for herself. And is creative in her ways of being insane and ridiculous. Also, I want Polaroid to survive, so maybe latching on to someone new is a way to do that.
S: But on the other hand, THAT IS A POSITION THAT REQUIRES ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE. And she is not an expert on Polaroid, or creative direction, or photography trends.
L: Yeah, I do wonder if she has some secret photographic expertise. Or if it's all about her shock value.
On the other hand, not enough judgement to say "maybe I should put on pants today."
S: I wonder if she would wear pants to the office. Or if she'd come to a board meeting in a death mask with hair that bleeds onto a golden onesie.
L: Actually, I am coming around. I think that might be exactly what Polaroid needs.
S: LISA I'M NOT SURE I'M READY TO COME AROUND.
L: Just like that movie with the Duffs! Maybe they figure they're dying anyway, so let's try something completely different! Can't get worse!
S: But she hasn't proven that she has staying power. Ugh.
L: Hee. Sorry.
S: I'm not sure about this.
L: Is Mallory going to kill someone?
S: I texted Mallory to tell her and SHE DIDN'T RESPOND.
L: Hee. Do we need to intercede before she actually tries to kill LaGaGa?
S: Lady GaGa also hit the Polaroid stand to announce her appointment as “creative director” and “inventor of specialty products” with the company.
Wearing a black see-through dress and a blonde sunhat made entirely out of her own hair, she described herself as a “Polaroid girl” and said she was “outraged” when the company filed for bankruptcy in 2001. [quoted from here]
Okay, now she's sort of seduced me with word "inventor" and her hairhat.
L: INVENTOR OF SPECIALTY PRODUCTS? How can i get that job somewhere???
S: I know, right?
“The Haus of Gaga has been developing prototypes in the vein of fashion/technology/photography innovation - blending the iconic history of Polaroid and instant film with the digital era,” she said.
“I am so excited to extend myself behind the scenes as a designer, and to as my father puts it - finally have a real job.”
NOW I'M CHARMED. DAMMIT. I am so easily seduced by pop culture.
L: Also, the Haus of GaGa
S: I know. She's ridiculous. Yet I want to be in that Haus.

Lisa: Jiminy Christmas

In an offering that's less spontaneous and funny than Sarah's interview from yesterday, but just as full of the holiday spirit, here's Jeremy's interview with me from Christmas 2007.

Holiday Interview
An emailed interview with other Loose Tooth, Lisa.

What an honor. Here you go!

1) What’s your favorite holiday cuss word?
Jiminy Christmas

2) What’s your best childhood present?
I think the Christmas I got my first flute was the most memorable. My parents were worried that I’d be disappointed if I only had one small present to open (even though it was expensive), so they let me stay up and help them put out the Santa presents for the other kids. It was so fun to be in on the surprise!

3) If you were in control of all things Christmas what would we see and what we we see disappear?
There would definitely be less working, and more time to make fun Christmas crafts or do holiday baking, or even just wrap presents.

4) There have been people concerned with Santa’s chubby image, that it might have an unhealthy effect on children. What do you have to say to that?
I think it is great to have a positive role model with a more “jolly” body type. And at least kids will have a realistic picture of what a diet of only cookies and milk can do to a person.

5) What’s the worst gift you have ever received?
Hmm. Probably the sweatshirt with handprints appliqueed over each breast. Thanks, Grandma! Also, it had been purchased six months earlier, so I could only get store credit–toward another appliqueed sweatshirt.

6) Everyone knows that Santa’s elves make the toys for billions of people across the world. How do you think they manage?
Well, luckily they have been bred especially for that purpose. I mean, they must have evolved to be the best, fastest toy makers around, right? I know that if I were a comely young she-elf, I would go for the most successful guy in the toy shop. Also, lots of coffee.

7) Do you have any last Christmas thoughts for our readers?
It doesn’t have to be perfect.

Lisa

Thanks Lisa. We appreciate your time and your fantastic blog.

Lisa: The laws of mistletoe are unflinchingly rigid

At the funeral yesterday, Mallory pointed out that we should make sure our favorite of Jeremy's blog entries were archived somewhere, in case his Wordpress account eventually expires. In the spirit of the Christmas season, I thought you all might enjoy his interview with Sarah.

(Found here, as long as that link lasts.)

[10:44] hobbes8u: A Holiday Interview with Two Loose gal Sarah?
[10:45] Sarah: i’m game!
[10:45] hobbes8u: YES!!
[10:45] Sarah: yes!
[10:46] hobbes8u: So Santa has been caught steppin’ out on the missus, to save Christmas how would you handle this tabloid scandal
[10:47] hobbes8u: I know I know I ask the tough questions
[10:48] Sarah: ha. awesome question. well i hear that the elves have an in-house marital counselor (polygamy can cause domestic strife, after all, and aren’t they like the smurfs with only one female?), so i’d rush the Claus’s off to some couples therapy.
[10:49] hobbes8u: great great
[10:50] hobbes8u: What’s the worst Christmas no-no?
[10:52] Sarah: hmm. knocking over the christmas tree or neglecting to leave cookies and milk and a little note for santa. also, one must always obey the rules of mistletoe. the laws of mistletoe are unflinchingly rigid.
[10:53] hobbes8u: I had no idea. I remember one time I did forget cookies and milk and the next day I found my father murdered. My mom cracked open a bottle of champagne and went to Cancun.
[10:53] hobbes8u: But that was cause she hated him.
[10:53] hobbes8u: Anyway
[10:54] Sarah: did daddy catch mommy kissing santa claus?
[10:54] hobbes8u: umm no I think it was the cookies. WAIT!! I’m interviewing you!
[10:54] hobbes8u: What is your favorite Christmas cuss word?
[10:54] Sarah: tis the season for BALLS!
[10:55] hobbes8u: It is a popular one
[10:55] hobbes8u: haha
[10:55] Sarah: yes, well christmas is all about tradition
[10:56] hobbes8u: Yes speaking of tradition, what is way to modernize the Christmas tree to really give it that futuristic look
[10:57] Sarah: tiny spaceship and alien ornaments would be cute. a hoverboard beneath the tree?
[10:58] hobbes8u: lovely
[10:58] hobbes8u: What is your very favorite childhood Christmas present?
[11:01] Sarah: the christmas i remember most vividly i received a desk and a clock radio. i felt so grown up! i wasn’t all business, though. i also received some pretty china dolls and of course clothes.
[11:02] Sarah: the dolls were a different year than the desk and radio. my parents aren’t loaded or anything. sheesh.
[11:03] hobbes8u: hahaha loaded as in drunks?
[11:04] hobbes8u: sorry I strike the question
[11:05] Sarah: well, they’re neither floating in beer nor in a pile of money like scrooge mcduck
[11:06] hobbes8u: I always wanted to swim in gold money. He always made it look so comforting. I bet it’s harder to save a person drowning from gold though
[11:06] hobbes8u: As a blogging celebrity, do you have any final words about the holidays?
[11:06] hobbes8u: You know for the kiddies
[11:07] hobbes8u: (the readers)
[11:08] Sarah: ha! you’ve made my day. i would say that christmas is about family and friends. if other details fall through the cracks, it’s alright! just enjoy your time with the people that matter. there, was that adequately cheesey?
[11:09] hobbes8u: It was delightful. Thank you and have a Happy Christmas!
[11:09] Sarah: you too!

Lisa: got my hair did

Twitter and Facebook are good times and everything, but I must admit they have contributed to the lack of posts around here. Luckily, I felt the following Facebook interaction deserved a little pictorial embellishment.

Lisa: New haircut: might be awesome, might be Three's Company.

Sarah: HA! I can't wait to see it. [Sarah knows that Three's Company also means Janette from SYTYCD, whose haircut I HATE.]

Angie: Might be Indigo Girls?

Lisa: Might be Kristen Stewart playing Joan Jett.

Dear readers, I will let you decide for yourselves.

Lisa: I think this settles it once and for all.

As evidenced by this conversation, Blake and I have been arguing zombie apocalypse plans for years now. I can't even explain how gratified I was when I read that Mighty Girl's plan involves taking over a Costco too--not building a stupid walled compound. To my knowledge, Maggie has never been wrong before. Eat it, Babe!

If you like discussing zombies and the related contingency plans (which of course you do, because you are awesome like me) you might enjoy this article by Robert Brockway, brought to my attention by Dave T., who used to read this blog until we got boring. I laughed out loud four times, completely blowing my "I've just got to get this work done" cover story.

Lisa: comorbidity

Overheard in the movie theater restroom.

Woman 1: When I went to the doctor for my ear infection, there wasn't even a note in my chart about me being an addict. They could have prescribed me anything! I mean, there should be a NOTE!
Woman 2: I know, that's why I'm so mad I threw away those leftover Percocets.
W1: Hold on, let me take these real quick. [Drinks from the sink faucet.] I can't believe they gave me two 50s instead of one 100. The 100s are totally stronger than two 50s.
W2: Totally stronger.
W1: I told my doctor to write me a prescription for the 100s instead, because they're exactly the same, but she wouldn't. Like, I KNOW they're addicting. I'm an addict. But I have ANXIETY!!

Sarah: That just about covers it.

E and I plan our weekends.

E: On Sunday morning I teach my first ever Young Women's lesson. Sunday night: potluck? (The question mark here is that my sister and her kids are coming to town and she may need some help that night.)

S: Fine, you can spend Sunday with your real family, if necessary. On one condition: that I be allowed to attend your Young Women's lesson.

E: You can start practicing for my lesson now: stand in front of the mirror and start listing your attributes. Start with: I'm a daughter of God. We'll pick up from there next session.

S: 1. I am a daughter of God. 2. Could be cankle-ier.

Sarah: And have the body of a supermodel

Mallory: Not to alarm you, but I might be a witch. Like in The Craft.
S: Ha! As if I could love you more.
M: You're just saying that because you know that I can control your fate with my mind.
S: In that case, I'd like to get rich soon and then die before I lose control of my bowels.

On a side note, this now makes Mallory's career path something like: Wiccan psychic who builds bombs. She is a unique individual, and that's why I like her.

Lisa: advanced

Lisa: Are you teaching her how to juggle?
Blake: Yep! Well, I'm trying to. She's totally going to impress all her kindergarten friends.
Lisa: Yeah she is. And her teacher.
Blake: She'll impress EVERYONE. Except Dave. Dave'll just be like, "I've been juggling since I was three."

Sarah: Who are the people in your neighborhood?

Walking back to my apartment after taking my trash to the dumpster, I see an unusual stream of water making its way across the parking lot. I look to the source of the water and see another tenant, who stares at me while positioning herself in front of the trickling hose. She initiates conversation, I assume to distract me.

"Hello."
"Hi."
"How are you?"
"Good, how are you doing?"
"NOTHING."

Smooth, very smooth.

Lisa: Red Dawn

Lisa: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1234719/
Sarah: Ohmygosh.
Lisa: http://www.themovieinsider.com/m4854/red-dawn/
Sarah: They're remaking it?!
Lisa: A remake. Yes. I was seeing what movies were scheduled for 2010, in case it brought up any awesome costume ideas.
Sarah: WOLVERINES!
Lisa: Blake is going to plotz.
Sarah: Plotz?
Lisa: It's a real word!
Sarah: I don't doubt that, i suppose, I just don't know its meaning?
Lisa: PLOTZ: To burst, to explode, "I can't laugh anymore or I'll "plotz." To be aggravated beyond bearing.
Sarah: Hee. Awesome. Thank you.
Lisa: Thank the Dictionary of Yiddish Phrases.
Sarah: I wish I knew more Yiddish.
Lisa: plotz (pläts) intransitive verb
INFORMAL to be overcome with emotion; give way to excitement, anger, delight, etc. Etymology: < E Yiddish platsn, lit., to burst, explode < MHG platzen

Lisa: Are you going to plotz?
Blake: Absolutely.

Lisa: one man's garb is another man's...garbage?

Lisa: BS!
Blake: Hi hotness
Lisa: I am getting so excited about your costume for Comic-Con. So excited that I might condone you growing your beard out and putting beads in it.
Blake: What is my costume? I am not aware of what is going on.
Lisa: Well...I was thinking you could wear your kilt and dress as THE HIGHLANDER! What do you think? You could carry a sword?
Blake: Yes, I would be The Highlander. I would like to carry a sword and have a braided beard. But if I am to do that I need to start growing now.
Lisa: Hmmm. Well, what if it wasn't really BRAIDED so much as kind of scruffy? Maybe you could get beard extensions. Or have little beaded pigtails instead of true braids.

Lisa: So, what costume are you going to wear for Comic-Con?
Sarah: Hee. Sailor moon, of course.

Lisa: This is why we are married.

I admit it: I got sucked into the Twilight books AGAIN. I thought I was too good for that, but the new one is coming out in a few weeks and I couldn't fight it. (For the record, I have actually liked them better the second time around. Don't you judge me.) Anyway, Blake saw me reading one the other day, and started asking questions about this particular vamp universe. You might recall that we've watched a few Buffy episodes and other vampire movies in the past...suffice it to say that each oeuvre comes with its own mythology. Well, I guess I could have just said, "I don't know" or, "who cares," but I'm a librarian. When faced with a reference question, I must find the answer.

Via email:

Blake,

I thought you might be interested in Stephenie Meyer's (the author's) answer to your question from yesterday.

Q: Is it possible that a human could kill a vampire?
A: Er, not really. A big enough bomb would probably be hot enough to burn a vampire, but the vampire would have to agree to hold still and let it hit him.

Lisa

--------------

Lisa,

Though I appreciate her answer in terms of mythology she just might as well have said it takes magic fairy dust to kill them. "No humans can kill vampires because they have a mystical force shield around them, or rather a miasma that defies the laws of physics."(haha) If it is a big enough bomb they wouldn't have to hold still they couldn't get away. It is not heat that does damage from bombs but rather kinetic energy so if we can determine how much kinetic energy it would take to pierce their skin then we can see whether or not a shot gun can produce enough kinetic energy. She does not understand thermodynamics and kinetic energy but I am preparing the equations just in case she ever asks me. Sorry I am a big nerd but am thankful for your e-mail.

Blake

--------------

Blake,

Well, I don't know about the laws of physics, but it's not a forcefield. It's because they're super hard, super strong, and super fast. Here's more:

Q: Why do they sparkle?
A: They sparkle because they have turned to substance that is somewhat like diamond. Their bodies have hardened, frozen into a kind of living stone. Each little cell in their skin has become a separate facet that reflects the light. These facets have a prism-like quality-they throw rainbows as they glitter.

Q: How about stakes through the heart? Reflections? Photographs? Holy water? Garlic? All that traditional vampire lore.
A: Bunch of garbage. I think all of them get addressed in New Moon except garlic and stakes. But you try shoving wood through granite.

Q: Do the vampires have blood in their veins even though their heart no longer pumps? What would happen if they were cut or injured in some way?
A: Most human fluids are absent in my vampires. No sweat, no tears, no blood besides that which they ingest-they don't have their own blood. They do sort of have saliva-the venom makes their mouths wet, at least. When they drink blood, it runs through their body and makes them strong. It floods through their old blood ways, though they don't have circulation anymore. It lightens their eyes and flushes their skin slightly. If a vampire were cut, there would only be blood if he/she had freshly drunk blood (and drunk a lot). Otherwise, there would only be a bit of venom. It would be like cutting into granite.

Lisa

--------------

Lisa,

I am already figuring out the necessary kinetic energy it would take for a thrust object or projectile to penetrate granite. The initial calculations do not bode well for most normal weaponry but several high powered rifles whose bullets reach teminal velocity in their descent can pass through almost 4 inches of granite. It still may not kill one but it certainly could ruin his or her day. Also interestingly enough a projectile like an arrow if propelled near the speed of sound can pass through 6 inches of granite assuming the arrow is made of a similar material. I guess I should invest in a shotgun for zombies and a guass rifle for vampires. But this is just my initial investigation. I am also looking at chemicals that will eat through diamonds. What about a diamond chainsaw blade hmmmmm, interesting. Can I get a chainsaw for Christmas?

Blake

--------------

Blake,

I love you so much. But also, don't forget the super speed.

Lisa

--------------

Lisa,

So true. I will have to develop a suit like Batman in a comic book set in the future where he had to square off against Superman. These vampires seem a little like Superman so that is what I should try to defend against, or say screw the whole thing and just hope they want to turn me instead of just eat me.

Blake

Lisa: no cruising yet

Bicycle Shop Gentleman: Hi, need a repair?
Lisa: Well, kind of, see--
BSG: Your front wheel's on backwards.
L: ...Yes.

Sarah: Friends Say the Darndest Things

Mark:
Favorite quote from a coworker today: I'm not really too familiar with the service side, let me go ask someone who is a little more inept. Hold on...

Mallory:
I dreamed that I was making out with a starship captain last night. We were on an escape pod from the Battlestar Galactica. I had to save the President. We saved her. Then he showed me space and it was awesome. Then we made out. For a long time.
Then.
I realized Marci was sitting in the back seat of our space-car the entire time.
Em. Barrassing.

E (stolen from her blog, but she told it to me as well, so I'm hoping she doesn't mind that I spread the awesomeness):
I teach the six-, seven-, and eight-year-old children at my church.
Lesson: Gratitude
E: Adam, you love soccer. A lot. It's pretty cool that your body can play so well. How can you show Heavenly Father that you're thankful for your body?
A: Well... I could get a plate of cookies and put it on the counter. Then I could leave a note: "Dear Santa, Please give these to God."
E (laughs): That's one way, I guess.
A: Except I don't know if God likes milk. So, if God doesn't like milk, I'll leave a glass of 7-Up.

For what it's worth? I'm betting that God likes milk.

Sarah: Here to Help

Mallory asked for help on her blog entry.

M: QUICK. Give me a lyric that has to do with either penises or being smelly.
S: HA HA HA. "Feel a little poke comin through, on you..."
M: Umm less boner-y.
S: You want penis song lyrics that are "less boner-y." I just need to point that out.

Lisa: the fall

Dave: I'm calling to give you a movie recommendation: The Fall.
Lisa: Oh yeah?
D: Yeah. And this should mean something to you if no one else--it's by the same director as The Cell.
L: The Cell? Really? With Jennifer Lopez?
D: I mean, you loved that movie, right? Even though no one else did? Except, this one, instead of being ridiculous and stupid, is the best movie of the year.
L: ...Thanks. So, what's it about?
Angie: It's everything you could ever want in a movie.
L: Everything? Is there singing and dancing?
D: Yes.
L: SERIOUSLY?
D: Well, nobody's crunking [sic] or anything. But, yes.
L: Well, it sounds like I'd better go see it!
D: Take Sarah. She'll like it too.

Anybody want to go?

Sarah: Baby Genius

Lisa: Nora knocked over my soda, then bumped her head.
Sarah: Oh no. Everything okay again?
L: ßzxddwfrƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒc'/r44;r5555555555555555555rrr455=4=
L: km
S: Hi Nora!
L: liTTLE hack er

L: DE AW  W
S: ...

Lisa may not respond because she is now offline.

Lisa is now online.

L: As I was saying, friggin hacker baby hid my dock, then quit messenger. I have no idea how.

Lisa: I said who do you think you are

I went to the hair salon on Tuesday.

Stylist: "What's that paper? Aw! Did someone bring a picture?"
Lisa: "Um. Maybe. No making fun!"
S: "Let's see it! What do you want?"
L: (Hangs head in shame, unfolds printed-out Word document and thrusts it at the stylist.) "Pob me."
S: "Hee. All you had to say was 'Posh Spice.' Wow, you even cut and pasted these in here and everything! You're serious!"
L: (Laughs uneasily.)

I think it turned out OK, though.

Sorry about the mirrors--it's surprisingly difficult to photograph the back of your own head.

Lisa: What would Freud say?

When my mom saw my new repurposed-thread-rack finger puppet display system sitting on my table, she exclaimed over the simultaneous cuteness and uselessness of finger puppets. We got to talking about them, and...I think this needs to be quoted directly.

Mom: Hee. A Freud puppet might be funny for intimate moments. [holds up one finger as a puppet, wiggling it] "Are you ready for some...therapy?"
Lisa: [condescending psychiatrist voice] "Does someone have an oral fixation?"

That's right, I took it to the next level. With my mom.

Sarah: Mom, I've never watched anything like this. No, really.

I told a friend I was having a bit of trouble coming up with good advice for my friends on plot points for their movie. He made a suggestion:

Friend: You should start giving them porno plotlines. "The muscular mailman in his tight cutoff shorts decided to check the back door..."
S: You mean like "Then the doctor said he'd need to check her temperature. Then she said that it was a pretty big thermometer..."
F: Yes!

Then I got distracted from the conversation with, you know, work, and was thus accused of 'killing the sexy with silence.'

S: Sorry, were you left wondering how the story ended?
F: Yes!
S: She had a fever! Bow chika bow owwww!

Sarah: Resplendent Responses

A conversation between Blake and his friend, centered around Plato (I think) takes a delightfully nerdy turn:
Blake: ... well one theory is that the universe is converging on another universe.
Friend: What's the Star Trek theory?
B: There are only four galaxies in Star Trek.*
F: Wait, but...
B: Alpha Quadrant, Beta Quadrant, Gamma Quadrant, Delta Quadrant

My response to Mallory's question was alarmingly quick:
Mallory: If you were to make a funny music video, what song would you base it on?
Sarah: Baby, When the Lights Go Out by the very underappreciated band 5ive. Or was it overrated? I can never remember.

*Note to Blake: I hope we are planning to go to this. I'm a fool for J.J. Abrams

Edited to add: I may have just spent the last several minutes contemplating whether 5ive really worked as a word, since you aren't really pronouncing it "Five-ive" but accepting the implied use of the number 5 as an "F" sound. Then I imagined forming a four-person tough girl band called 4ce, because the pronunciation would clearer, though the spelling would be at least, if not more, contrived. Stop looking at me like that. I'm going home.

Sarah: Things you might not know and perhaps still wish you didn't.

A few things the internet may not already know about me:
1. I usually misspell "magic" on my first try. It's a small, common, simply-spelled word, and yet I almost always use a "j" on my first try. Embarrassing, I know. I'm getting better.
2. I agonize over social blunders for years after the fact. I was once extremely obnoxious and refused to leave the band room (yes, and geeky. I also had braces that year.) after school when I was in the 7th grade. The 9th grade boy in charge of making everyone leave was understandably annoyed. I think his name was Carson. I've been feeling guilty and stupid about it ever since.
3. I have scoliosis. It's a very minor case and no one but my mom has ever noticed it without having it pointed out to them, but I think about my curved spine several times each day. I think I was one of few girls more freaked out by the back brace in Deenie than by the pink plastic belts described in Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret.

A few conversations this week:
1. Over 27 minutes on the phone, after hours, with a work contact, wherein she related a detailed history of the back pain she has felt since her car accident, the related visits she has made to various doctors and chiropractors, and the suits she intends to file. She also said "boob" five times. I was not ready for this call.
2. Sarah: I just took a dress that Nora spit up on to the dry cleaner. And then realized that the spot I pointed out probably looked like semen. Classy.
Mallory: Ha! You skank!
Sarah: As soon as he wrote 'soiled' on my ticket, I felt so cheap.

Sarah: Why I Am Single, a tale of failed car-flirting

Mallory: How was car-flirting?
Sarah: He asked for my number. And I zoomed away. And why am I single? Because I zoom away.
M: Um. You TALKED TO HIM? Whoa. I just smile and think "doot doot I'm pretty".
S: No, he just smiled at me... and then when I glanced over again he was holding up his phone and pointing at it like "call you?"
M: Ooh.
S: But no, I didn't talk to him.
M: I think it was a good choice not to give him your number. He was probably sleazy. Just saying. Car-flirting is fun, but I think it is very similar to Myspace flirting as far as the quality of male. Hmm. I wonder if that is a reflection of the quality of female that I am.
S: Lol.
M: ..... I will ponder that.
S: Yeah... plus he wasn't even driving. HA. I almost just called him a scrub. I LOVE YOU, PRETTY BRAIN.
M: HA! I WAS JUST GOING TO SING THAT.
S: I'm petting my head.

Eight minutes later
M: That "No Scrubs" thing has backfired, because now that song is in my head.
S: Yesss.

Another three minutes pass
M: Nooooooooooo
Scruuuuuubs
Nooooooooooooooo
Scruuuubbs
no no

Lisa: thanks for the heads up

This morning, I finished up helping a middle-aged gentleman on one of the public computers, and then walked back to the information desk. The other librarian on duty was helping a customer at the desk.

Librarian: You might want to wash your hands.
Me: O...Kay...
Librarian: (hands me a canister of Clorox wipes)
Customer: He's filthy.
Me: (wiping my hands) What?
Customer: I saw him sneezing into his hand and then licking it. Over. And over.

Sarah: Fat Bottomed Girls will be riding today

To: Dave
From: Sarah
Subject: Poser

So you know how we talked about Mika and how he only has the one good song, which is only good because it sounds vaguely like Queen? Did you know that he has a song called "Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)"? Is he just continuing to ride on Queen's coattails? I cannot stand for this. Plus, "Fat Bottomed Girls" is just so much better.

To: Sarah
From: Dave
Subject: Re: Poser

We will not stand for the Queen-apery of this lesser facsimile. Is he so bereft of his own musical ideas that he must traipse on the beloved legacy of dear departed Freddie Mercury, wot? Fie no.

Yours in indignation,
Dave

Lisa: afternoon delight

Sarah: Note to self: stop saying "afternoon delight." It is weird and unfunny to everyone but you.
Lisa: Afternoon delight=creepy. THEY ARE HAVING SEX.
Sarah: So you think sex is creepy?
Lisa: That song is creepy. Surely you cannot argue with that.
Sarah: I know what I know. I have disassociated the song from the phrase. Now I just use it willy-nilly, though, which is frowned upon.
Lisa: Well, of course it is. Because you are conjuring up pictures of adults home in the afternoon, having sex.
Sarah: Adults? Why is it worse with adults?
Lisa: Hee. I don't know, but it is. Because...they should be at work? Teenagers are expected to sneak home in the afternoons and be having sex. The adults are just being lazy! BESIDES THE PHRASE AFTERNOON DELIGHT IS JUST GROSS. It's like a dessert name, but then you realize what they're talking about! Sunny Delight. Turkish delight. Old men saying young girls are "a delight." When is the word delight ever used besides in those situations?
Sarah: Looks like it IS a dessert:

Sarah: Sometimes my insecurities get the best of me.

M: So are you going to play with us tomorrow? Or are you too cool for school?
S: I AM NOT INVITED.
M: Whatever.
S: I was all "Golly gee Mally, I have nothing to do tomorrow except dip pretzels in mustard." and you were all "Wow, that's a shame." and then went off in the corner to whisper with Lisa about how my shorts are long and baggy and I'm wearing dingy sneakers. YOU'RE SO MEAN AND I HATE BEING IN JUNIOR HIGH.

Lisa: a stake of truth

Blake: (Science talk)
Lisa: ...
Blake: Sorry for being a wonder killer.
Lisa: You're like a non-wonder killer. You kill the wonder I wasn't even wondering about.
Blake: I'm like a vampire slayer, but my stake is the truth!
Lisa: HA! Aw, I wish you could kill vampires with the truth. (Voices) "You use too much hair gel." "Aaah! I'm melting!"

Sarah: Food Critic

Marci is my walking companion whenever I need a Coke or some candy from the neighboring gas station at work. When she purchased a SweeTarts Rope, I was a little excited. I wondered if it could be even more delicious than my beloved Nerds Rope.

Marci: So the SweeTarts ropes are like hollowed out licorice rope with sweet tart goo and Nerds inside.
S: Oh my goodness.
M: They are very sweet.
S: Are they insane? Good? Gross?
M: Um. My initial reaction is gross.
S: Lol.
M: And I think I am sticking with that.
S: I'm sorry. That's not something you really need to learn to like.
M: But I will take a few more bites to see if they grow on me.
(Pause)
M: Nope. Still gross.
S: Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm sorry.
M: It's cool.
(Another Pause)
M: Also the aftertaste is like barf. Do not buy.
S: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. If you need some Sour Patch Kids to heal your tastebud wounds, just let me know.
M: Thanks.

Sarah: Help Yourself

Mallory: Hey. I need your brain.
Sarah: I just tipped my head towards the computer so that you could use my brain. Ugh. I make myself so tired.

Sarah: Stream of Celebrity-Consciousness

My brother Dave and I have slowly but surely been working our way through Mad Men on his TiVo.

S: The mistress-artist was in that tv show with Ron Livingston.
D: Who?
S: The guy from Office Space.
D: I thought that guy's name was Scott Something? He was on Felicity. Jennifer Garner's old husband.
S: (laughing now, at the very silliness of the idea) Scott Foley?
D: Yeah! Those guys look EXACTLY ALIKE. And you know who else they look like? Robert Sean Leonard.
S: Dead Poets Society?
D: Yes!
S: So if Dead Poets Society and Ron Livingston had a love child, it would be Scott Foley?
D: Exactly.

Somewhere we got off track. Ahem. Back to Mad Men.

Sarah: Talk Dirty to Me

S: You could probably make more money as a phone sex operator. just saying.
T: Oh jeez....wow
S: Well I'm just saying!!
T: Yes you certainly are.
S: Well I would imagine that said operators make about $15-$20 an hour. Not that i know that. I am just guessing.
T: Yeah who knows... but I don't really care.
S: DAMN. NEVERMIND THEN. I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU FURTHER YOUR CAREER
T: Why don't you... be a coke slut... or something, and like drink so much Coke out in public naked that Coke pays you for it.
S: Dude. All a phone sex operator has to do is talk dirty. They get to lounge around their house in sweats or whatever. They don't even have to shave.
T: Well you'd think they'd at least have to research all the latest porn slang and keep their voice in tune and such.

Still. I think I won that argument.

Sarah: Saying 'Hello' is such a waste of complaint time, anyway.

S: You know what I hate?
T: Haha what??
S: The placement of the parentheses on the keyboard.
T: Why's that?
S: You have to press shift, then go all the way up to the number keys. It's a lot of work for such a silly little punctuation. I blame their placement on the general overuse of ellipses and dashes.
T: Psshh well it's because you hardly ever use them.
S: Are you saying that i live life out loud? That is what i choose to believe you mean.

Lisa: meeting of minds

Lisa: Adam Baldwin is by far the best looking Baldwin. It's not even a contest.
Sarah: I didn't realize he was even really one of the Baldwins. He looks different enough.
Lisa: Yes, he is one of the brothers. [ETA: Sorry, Sarah. He is NOT one of the brothers. I apparently completely skipped over the words "no relation" in his IMDB bio.]
Sarah: Plus he doesn't have the slicked hair. The Baldwin helmet.
Lisa: Good point. Or that bloated, drunken smirky look! So. I was reading IMDB, as one does, and I couldn't help but notice that one of the comments on his profile was titled "his butt." So...I clicked on it. Because, OBVIOUSLY.
Sarah: mmhmmmm
Lisa: The thread was completely bizarre. The first commenter was all, "Has anyone seen his butt?" And someone replied, "Yes, in some show (blah blah), it was nice."
Sarah: lol
Lisa: And then the first commenter said, "So...was it soft and squeezable, or hard and muscly?"
Sarah: HA! Why didn't she just see for herself, since she needed such detailed descriptions??
Lisa: So then another commenter was like, "Um. That's a weird question. It's hard to tell from TV, but it looked pretty muscly. HERE'S A PICTURE."
Sarah: Well? did it look muscly?
Lisa: It did indeed.
Sarah: That's weird. That's the sort of investigating you do on your own.

Ten minutes pass.

Lisa: Admit it, now you're curious about Adam Baldwin's butt.
Sarah: Vaguely. Are you wanting to send me a picture?
Lisa: No. As you said, that is research that should be done on your own.
Sarah: Well, at least not with STRANGERS.

Ten more minutes pass.

Sarah: So are you going to show me Adam Baldwin's butt, or what?
Lisa: Ha! It is linked from his IMDB comments. Or you could probably Google it. But boy, will your face be red when you get fired for Googling "adam baldwin butt!"
Sarah: lol

30 minutes pass.

Lisa: So, did you look it up?
Sarah: No. I don't want to be fired!
Lisa: Probably wise.

Lisa: your secret is safe with me

Lisa: Can I just say that big sweaters cinched in with little belts never looks good in real life? Just on the models in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
Sarah: Yes.

Sarah: Lisa. I might buy leggings soon. I'm apologizing in advance.
Lisa: NO. SARAH.
Sarah: I CAN'T HELP IT. I'VE BEEN RESISTING THEM FOR OVER. A. YEAR. They've slowly broken down my defenses.
Lisa: It is a slippery slope!
Sarah: What if I never wear them as if they're pants? What if I wear them with little shrugs and heels, and cut little holes in the backs where they rest on my calves?
Lisa: You are sentenced to watching Chocolat again to remember the flattering timelessness of 50s fashions, because blousy shirts and skinny jeans/leggings are NOT FLATTERING.
Sarah: NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT BLOUSY SHIRTS! I would not wear leggings with a long shirt. I hate you for suggesting that. This conversation is over. Just know that when i show up somewhere with leggings, you were warned beforehand.
Lisa: What are you going to wear them with?
Sarah: I would wear them with dresses, not blousy shirts, bitch.
Lisa: What about opaque tights instead?
Sarah: Opaque tights run. Plus, you can't wear open-toed shoes.
Lisa: Um. Leg coverings are worn in winter. Winter is not the time for open-toed shoes. I am just saying this for your own good.
Sarah: I am not fighting with you anymore about leggings.
Lisa: I was only fighting you because you ASKED ME TO A YEAR AGO.
Sarah: Okay, well now i am just saying that it might happen and there's nothing more to be done.
Lisa: OK. You have released me from my obligation. Also, what are your feelings on sweater dresses?
Sarah: Ummmm, I like them in the VS catalog, but they can be lump-magnifying.
Lisa: "Pleated cami has a luster so bright you'll radiate at every angle." I don't think that is a good thing.
Sarah: No. Not unless you're that one super hot model. Not Giselle, the other one. The brunette! Who's super hot! But not Adriana Lima, she of the huge lips.
Lisa: Hee. Oh, THAT one.

Lisa: Can i just say that a tube top should not have pockets?
Sarah: Now, with extra middle-widening!
Lisa: Also, an easy way to pull the top RIGHT OFF YOUR BOOBS.
Sarah: hee
Lisa: Do you know how many times i have almost bought that oxford shirt bodysuit?
Sarah: So many times.
Lisa: It's wrong. I know. It has a thong bottom.
Sarah: My question is, do you really want your nice oxford shirt to be wedged in your ass crack all day? I think not.
Lisa: I know! Thank you. But...it looks so cute and sleek and stays tucked in to your low-rise Marisa-fit butt-lifting pinstripe pants!
Sarah: I'm not arguing that with you. But...the ass crack. On your shirt.

Sarah: No Judgement

My brother Dave and I discuss my romantic options as of late:

S: I don't know, I'm just not sure he's for me.
D: So he's nice, just not very smart?
S: No no, he's smart. And funny. But I'm not sure that it will work between us.
D: Is it... *snort*... because you're a lesbian?
S: ... I am not a lesbian.
D: (Now giggling hysterically) Isn't that what Mom says?
S: I hate you.

Sarah: Don't Run Away, It's Only Me

As the season for gremlins and goblins approaches:

Jeremy: I don't know any Halloween songs. We could write a Zombie Halloween carol.
Sarah: Lol. This is why I adore you. I just sing "Dead Man's Party" a lot, because that song makes me smile.
J: Because of my willingness to write zombie halloween carols?
S: Yes.
J: My legs have fallen off again and please before it rains,
Help me put them back on so that we can eat more brains.
Brains
lovely brains
creamy brains
Am I insane?
I love these brains
I'm a fancy comso Zomb, I love to travel Europe
but before I check my bags I have a little bell hop
Brains, lovely brains, creamy brains
pick out the veins
I love these brains
The Bev Hills Dead are picky yes. And no they won't drink Ale unless accompanied with brains with PHDs from Yale

Sarah: Granny Panties

I drove with my grandma for a couple hours yesterday and needed to discuss. If you say something gross about my grandma in the comments, I will cut you.

S: OH i just remembered. The other grandma-crazy thing: she discussed lingerie with me. AWKWARD.
M: lol. You should not discuss lingerie with grandparents. That's just wrong.
S: I know. She read a billboard and was all "So what do YOU think about Dirty Jo Punsters??" and I said "Um. I don't even know what I would do with anything that I could buy there." and she says "IT SURE WOULD LOOK SILLY OVER GARMENTS!" and then I just laughed and died a little bit inside.
M: You should have said "Oh Grandma when you are wearing that stuff you take your garments off, silly."
S: WELL. She said something about a teddy she owns and about how it looked silly over garments.
M: WHOA. TMI, Grandma, TMI.
S: and I said "I think you can take off your garments for those occasions." and she says "But then you're naked and you don't NEED any silly lingerie." and um. That was the moment when I knew too much about my grandma's sex life.
M: Lol. Seriously. You totally had a bonding moment with your grandma.
S: Lol. I didn't bring up boyfriend panties and cheating panties. Perhaps I should have. She might have some insight.
M: Lol.

Sarah: Drinks and Wisdom

Apparently I spend my days talking via text and instant messenger to the people in my life that are funnier than me. Yes, that sounds about right. Jeremy struck up a conversation out of the blue with me on IM:

J: Haven't you always wanted to throw a drink in someone's face?
S: lol. YES. Or pour a drink into their lap like on Mariah's Heartbreaker video. That video kicks a**.
J: Oh the lap is good, especially with the wet peed-your-pants crotch but I think the face is so much stronger and forceful. The face requires a big, short splash that says a quick "Screw you a**hole." The slower pouring in the lap says "You have done me wrong for the last time. I hope you die. Do you hear me? Die. And I hope you are never happy again." "DIE!!"

J: I guess it all depends on what you have to say.

S: I am blogging this.

Sarah: The Gift of Siblings

A conversation in text messages with my brother Dave*:

D: Every time I hear the song The Way You Love Me by Faith Hill, I think of you.
S: Now that's just rude.
D: Hee. You know the first line of the song? "If I could grant you just one wish, I wish you could see the way you kiss." It's like your poem! About giving the world a gift!**
S: Hee. I hate you so much right now.
D: I always think she's going to say "If I could give you just one wish, I'd make it so you wouldn't biff."
S: Shut. Up.
D: How could you not think of that rhyme? About "I wish you could see the way you kiss"? Oh yeah, because it's RETARDED. Personally, I'd rather not biff than see myself kiss. Gross.
S: Hee. Finally, someone appreciates the quality of my gift. Took you long enough.
D: Hee hee. Someday, people will remember you for having the courage to dream of a world without biffing.

*Not to be confused with the Dave that has been frequenting our comments as of late. They're different Daves. I only clarify because there has been some confusion among readers.
**Backstory about my poem can be found here.

Sarah: Trying to be Obtuse

Jeremy: People are playing tennis outside my window. I wish they were dead.
Me: YOUR OFFICE IS ON A TENNIS COURT! THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.
J: There's a court across the street, Sarah. Does that help explain things?
S: I can't believe that you work at a tennis court.
J: I DON'T. I work across the street from a development with a tennis court. I work inside a business building with three floors.
S: OHMYGOSH Mally just told me that you work at a cemetery. A CEMETERY WITH TENNIS COURTS! THAT'S CRIZZAZY!
J: I work on the top floor by a window that affords a stunning view of the mountainside and a little development with a tennis court. The cemetery is on the hillside, not by the development.
S: You have the craziest job I've ever heard of.
J: Here's my view.
S: Aww. I feel like I'm there!
J: Hahaha
S: Right there at the tennicemetery.
J: I call it DeadLuv.

Sarah: Eavesdropping

I hope I am never the person who, after being introduced for the first time to a new aquaintance, does not follow the introduction with "Oh, was your ancestor one of Brigham Young's bodyguards?"

Lisa: one track mind

While I was setting up the auditorium for our "War of the Worlds" No Girls Allowed program, a four-year-old boy wandered in and gasped with delight at the alien party streamers I was draping around the edge of a table. He picked up a stuffed puppet.

Boy: "Look! Two zombies on there!"
Lisa: "I think those are supposed to be astronauts."
B: "Astronauts! And they're in a planet!"
L: "Um, I think that's a space ship."

He picked up another stuffed toy.

B: "This one is a zombie!"
L: "That one's an alien."
B: "..."
L: "Do you know what an alien is?"
B: "Aliens aren't even real! They live in space! They couldn't be on Earth because that would be CRAZY!"
L: "Yeah."
B: "So why are you decorating with all these zombies?"
L: "And astronauts and aliens?"
B: "Yeah!!"
L: "Well, because we're having a program today about aliens and outer space."
B: "AND ZOMBIES????!!!!"

Sarah: Marci's new job is to entertain me.

Sarah: I love my white board, but I'm fairly sure I'm getting high off marker fumes. WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOO!
Marci: Ooh can I join in the fun?
S: I recommend the black marker. It seems to have the strongest fumes, but not the most pleasant smell. The smell of the red and blue are better. And yes, I have five markers that I use. What of it?
M: Are they fruit scented?
S: THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. Mmmmmmmmmm that makes me think of elementary school.
M: I loved those markers.
S: ME TOO! Except I often colored the bottom of my nose on accident. I got a little overexcited.
M: Who hasn't. Though I think they encourage huffing.
S: That's probably true. Do they still make them?
M: I don't know. If they do, I need some.
S: We should investigate. And we could color in coloring books. It'd be awesome.
M: OH MY GOSH. I love that.
S: Ok, you + me = coloring. This weekend. Or possibly Thursday night, if we get bored at the baseball game.
M: We will have little activity kits.
S:In a big canvas bag, hopefully.
M: and some cheerios.

S: MEAT CAKE! You're welcome in advance.
M: OH MY GOSH
S: Hee. AWESOME, HUH???
M: I think I just threw up a little.
S: No. It. Is. Awesome.
M: That is so much meat.
S: Hee. That's what she said.

S: The urge to drink a can of Coke is very strong. Tell me it is wrong. SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!
M: The Coke is all gone.
S: WHAT??
M: All gone.
S: DON'T MAKE ME START CUTTING.
M: I'm kidding.
S: Too late. My blood has leaked out.
M: Oh no, what about the carpet?
S: I'm slipping away into the sticky red pool of life at my feet.
M: ... With the nerds?

Yes. I dumped a small box full of nerds all over my office floor. There's nothing wrong with that.

Lisa: Thank you?

I never know what people are going to say to me at the information desk. I think some people don't know what a librarian is, while other people are just strange. I try not to take it personally.

"Gosh, you're so bright--why do you work at the library?"

"So are you all volunteers?"

"Gee, you'd make such a great secretary. Maybe I'll offer you a job!"

"You have a master's degree? Really? Seriously? So...did you always know you wanted to be a librarian?" (No. Actually, I got my undergraduate degree in music.) "What do you play?" (The flute.) "Oh. I...don't play the flute."

"You're the smartest girl in the world. And not only that, you're pretty good lookin'! I can say that because I'm old, so it's not a threat."

"Did you know your thyroid gland is enlarged?"

"Can I ask your advice? Do you think half a stick of dynamite would be enough to blow up this whole library?"

Edited because I just had to add one more from today:
"You always look so nice when I come in here. I prefer brunettes with white shirts and black skirts, and you always look very nice."

Lisa: M-F-E-O

Lisa: I think I need more Tim Gunn in my life.
Sarah: Hee. Don't. We. All.
Lisa: In my head I just imagined his voice saying "Where's Andrae?" and I started giggling.
Sarah: Andrae= googley-head, which adds hilarity.
Lisa: TOTALLY. I think Tim Gunn would make me sack up and offer me some much-needed direction in all areas of my life.
Sarah: It's possible. He's good like that.
Lisa: Plus, I can picture him looking at my hair and sort of shaking his head with his hand on his chin, all "Well.....make it work!"
Sarah: Speaking of hair, I really liked [our cousin] Heidi's and I've been wanting to dye mine ever since we saw her at Christmas.
Lisa: It was so pretty! But...your hair is already dark? And her hair is straight but with enough wave/body to make it do the swoopy styled thing.
Sarah: Yeah, but I want to dye it darker. Plus, it's growing out anyway. I have to do something with it.
Lisa: OH MY GOSH.
Sarah: What?
Lisa: Nothing. I temporarily went insane and was like "We could have twinner sculpted Jetson hair! Just alike!" and then I had to remove that part of my brain with a scalpel. Apparently I left some bits.
Sarah: Don't make me giggle out loud. I love that part of your brain. Can I keep it? Maybe in my pocket or on a saucer somewhere in my house?
Lisa: Hee. I have it in a jar and keep it in the back of a very dark drawer, pulling it out only occasionally to bark "BAD BRAIN" at it. Then I shake the jar a little before replacing it.
Sarah: Oh, that makes me sad.
Lisa: Don' t feel bad for the Jetson-hair-twins part of my brain. It should be punished.
Sarah: No, no! If you don't want it, let me have it!! It needs sunlight, Lisa. I can give it WHAT IT NEEDS. Plus, I love Jetson hair. Many of the side ponytails of my youth were inspired by the Jetson daughter.

Sarah: He apparently hasn't seen the picture of me and Mal kissing.

T: Wow, this guy just sat down next to me and has WAY too much cheap aftershave on. Suddenly the world seems much less sexual. I think I'm getting high from his smelliness.
S: Lol. If you get the urge to do double finger guns at someone, LEAVE THE AREA IMMEDIATELY. I hear that's what an overabundance of cheap aftershave will do to a person.
T: That's good stuff, Dude. Those are the kinds of comments that make me want to read your blog.

Lisa: Huh. So, I guess smart people...read books?

The Shelf Life newsletter with my Ken Jennings interview has finally been published!

Here's the interview as I submitted it:

----------------------------------

Local Jeopardy champion and Brainiac author Ken Jennings took time out from his book tour to answer a few questions.

Do you have a memorable library experience you could share?

My mom is actually an elementary school librarian in Utah County. But my most memorable library experience probably happened in fourth grade. We had gym class before recess some days and after it on other days, and I got the schedules confused and accidentally skipped gym to sit in the library reading Encyclopedia Brown books, thinking it was recess. It took me about 45 minutes to realize that I was missing, not recess, but the fourth-grade mini-track meet out on the soccer field. My assigned partner for the three-legged race was ticked.

So, the only time I ever cut class in my life (well, until college), I wound up in the library. Nerd!

How many books do you read a week?

A week? Wow, that's ambitious. You guys do know that some people, like, have jobs and TVs and stuff, right?

Actually, I've been traveling a lot lately for the Brainiac book tour, which is a great chance to catch up on reading. I'll read five or six books in a week if there are enough cross-country flights in that week. If I'm home, I'm lucky to get through a book a week.

What book is on your nightstand right now?

Umberto Eco's The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana. And in the same stack, also unfinished: that new Brian Wilson biography and a collection of old Little Lulu comics.

What is your favorite genre to read?

Novels, especially ones with that faintly literary sepia-photo cover you see on Vintage Books trade paperbacks. That way I look really highbrow when I'm reading on a plane.

Is there a book that has changed your life? How?

Monetarily, it's Mike Dupee's How to Get on Jeopardy!...and Win! by a mile. But more personally, I think back to the books that changed my sense of humor, like Decline and Fall by Evelyn Waugh or (especially) Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. I read that when I was fourteen and it blew my mind. I wrote and talked like Vonnegut for the next three years.

Who are your favorite authors?

Writing today, nobody's better than Ian McEwan or Haruki Murakami. Going a little further back, George Eliot. Dostoyevsky. Fitzgerald. Poe. Too many to name. It's like choosing between your children, if your children were only witty, insightful geniuses all the time.

Do you remember a favorite book from your childhood?

I remember every favorite book from my childhood. To this day I could draw you a diagram of Professor William Waterman Sherman's unique hot-air balloon gondola in The Twenty-One Balloons or tell you every secret entrance to the junkyard headquarters of the boy detectives in "The Three Investigators." But I was also the kind of information-sponge kid who would pore over The World Almanac when the new one came out every November, which is, admittedly, a little weird.

What product would you love to endorse if the opportunity should arise?

Not to toot my own horn too much or anything, but I'm pretty much a genius on the Etch-a-Sketch. Portraits, landscapes, abstracts...I can do it all. I think I should be the celebrity spokesperson for Etch-a-Sketch.

Will you be writing any more books?

Absolutely. I had such a great time traveling the country meeting trivia nuts and putting together their story in Brainiac...I definitely plan to keep writing. Probably a book of trivia, now that I've written the book about trivia. After that--well, part of the curse of being a trivia buff is that you find yourself interested in virtually everything, so that means there's no shortage of subjects I'd like to write about.

What advice do you have for aspiring writers?

I don't feel like I have any how-to-break-into-writing advice, except that a 75-game streak on a major syndicated quiz show is a pretty good way to get a book deal. But when it comes to process, I guess the lesson I learned from Brainiac is that almost any subject, no matter how abstruse, is fractal in nature: it becomes endlessly interesting if you just look close enough. If a book about American trivia culture, for crying out loud, can be successfully received, then anything can. So have the courage of your convictions, authors. The things that obsess you will also interest others--if you can just figure out the right way to present them.

----------------------------------

I assume that when the printed version is posted online, it will be found here.

Sarah: Weird

Random quote of the day: "I ate a twinkie and fell asleep."

Lisa: Tales of Eternia

Sometimes when I get in bed feeling a little stressed, I ask Blake to tell me a story to take my mind off things. Here's what happened last night:

Lisa: Tell me a story.
Blake: Okay. (Thinks for a minute.) Once upon a time, in a magical land, there was a boy who was a prince. And he had a cat.
Lisa: A pet cat?
Blake: Yes. And it was a scaredy-cat.
Lisa: Hee. This sounds like a good story. What was the cat's name?
Blake: Cringer.
Lisa: That's a good name for a cat! What was the boy's name?
Blake: (Pause.) Adam. And Adam had lots of fr--
Lisa: Wait! Did Prince Adam have a friend who had no legs but wore a dress and a hat and could fly?
Blake: HAHAHAHA! YES! HOW DID YOU KNOW?!?! (More uncontrollable laughter.)
Lisa: (Punching Blake in the arm) You tricked me! You tried to tell me the story of He-Man!
Blake: (Laughing) I thought you'd figure it out by the time I got to Castle Grayskull!

Then we told each other the stories of several cartoons, discussed the irritating Snarf/Thundercats and Pluto/Goofy dichotomy at length, and I tried to explain the plot of the Smurfs movie with the magic flute (which I was very fuzzy on) and how it was disturbingly different from the TV cartoon.

Thanks, Blake! It might have been He-Man, but your story did the trick.

Sarah: Give Me A Cupcake, I'll Give You My Heart

My mom and I are flying to Seattle next weekend to visit my Aunt Becky. As part of the planning for what promises to be an action-packed weekend, I suggested a visit to a little cupcake shop in town.

Becky: Sarah -- What famous cupcake store?
Sarah: Cupcake Royale.
B: OK. I just checked it out. The Ballard store is about 5 minutes away. We could even walk.
S: Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
B: Regularly. My favorite soap opera. Do you want to ride a ferry?
S: Ha ha! Well, I, like McDreamy, love ferry boats. But if you remember when Alex gave Izzy a cupcake with a little sugar heart on it, that was from Cupcake Royale. Nothing says true love like a pink cupcake.
A: That little detail blew right past me . . .
S: Well. Now you know! Ha ha.
B: My car repair place is in ballard. I usually drop the car off and then hike home. Now I can go by the cupcake store to fortify for the trip up (and I mean up!) my hill.
Mom: OK I want a cupcake with a pink heart. But not from Alex. From George or McDreamy or maybe from the chief. He may need my help sewing on buttons.
S: I would prefer a cupcake from Burke.
B: Agreed. Or McVet.
M: DEFINITELY from Burke.
M: I would be SO much better for him than Sandra Ho. [ZIIIIING!] Or whatever her name is. McVet would make me allergic. But he is cute. And I would take his cupcake.
S: Mom! DIRTY!
B: But could someone send me a Mark Spitz style poster of Sloan in a towel? I could put it on the back of my bathroom door.
M: Sarah is too young for Mark Spitz, Becky.
S: Mark Spitz?
B: But she is not too young for the poster.
M: That is true. She'll have to look him up on the internet.
B: I just tried to look him up, but the poster did not pop up.
S: Becky, your taste in jewelry is impeccable, but I'm not sure about Mark Spitz.
B: Way too clever! I didn't say I wanted Mark Spitz, I said I wanted a poster of Sloan in a towel posed like Mark Spitz!
S: Ha ha. Oh, okay.

Sarah: That would be... pretty good...

Mallory and I discuss her answers on a quiz.

Sarah: 29. Who's your favorite Disney princess and why?
Jasmine, because she's the coolest? and has the hottest boyfriend? PLUS She gets to ride on a magic carpet AND is friends with a genie, talking parrot and monkey. ...Um.
M: Aladdin IS THE HOTTEST. I mean c'mon. Eric? The human beast? SIMBA? ALADDIN'S ALWAYS BEEN MY FAVORITE.
S: Eric is quite dreamy...
M: No he's not. He's all squarish.
S: Ew. The Beast-Beast is hotter than the Human-Beast. We called him Prince Saucerlips.
M: And Aladdin has a hotter personality. Lol.
S: I. Um. We can't talk about this anymore because it's making me giggle excessively.
M: I just almost spit out my water giggling. Thats all.

M: Aladdin really is the hottest character. Who else is there to think is hot? Prince Charming? WOODY FROM TOY STORY? I dunno why I'm being so defensive of my attraction to Aladdin.
S: Lol. Aladdin is hot.
M: Mostly I want you to know that my love for him is a true love, and not based on my current relationships.
S: I had a crush on him. Lol.
M: PLUS his voice is totally Steve from Full House. And who DIDN'T have a crush on DJ's boyfriend?
S: Dude. I don't remember that guy. I remember that DJ once went out with an older guy with a moustache and her dad was all upset, but then realized that he was dating a really young girl.
M: Danny Tanner... What a pervert. She went to Europe and when she came back she told everyone she had a surprise for everyone? And it was Steve? And they were together FOREVER and then broke up after hiking to the top of a mountain. Lol.
S: Wow. Was the mountain a metaphor for their love?
M: YES! OBVIOUSLY THEIR LOVE WAS TRUE AND YOU DON'T REMEMBER IT.
S: Wait. If their love was true, why did they break up?
M: I think they went to different colleges. Mostly I think Steve decided to become Aladdin.

M: I'm sort of ashamed right now.

Lisa: my crybaby you'll be

I told Sarah about the Children's Book Club blog that I'm a part of, and asked her if she had any book suggestions.

Sarah: You should write about that "my baby you'll be" book, because it is GUARANTEED to make you cry every time you read it.
Lisa: I know. It's like the Butterfly Kisses of books.

Speaking of ridiculous songs that make you cry, 'tis the season again for the "when Mommy meets Jesus" song, so prepare yourself. I find keeping a few fast-food napkins in the glove box of the car is adequate. On the other hand, if you like being manipulated into tears, maybe you should read this book series BASED ON THE SONG.

Sorry, I just had a rage blackout.

In other timely topics, don't forget to vote today! If you live in Utah and want to check your polling location, try this handy site.

Edited to add: read the recap of the Jesus Shoes MOVIE here.

Lisa: Turkey Dinners

Background: Sarah has the charming but somewhat inexplicable tradition of buying Christmas panties from Old Navy every December. She wears them all year round. I think it is obvious to everyone that I, as part of my sisterly duties, am obligated to tease her about said Christmas panties.

Sarah: I HAVE A BAGGY WEDGIE AND IT'S PISSING ME OFF.
Lisa: I am so sorry about your baggy wedgie. You should stop at Old Navy for some Thanksgiving panties.
Sarah: I hate you.
Lisa: No, I was serious! You should! And I'm sure the Halloween panties are on supa sale.
Sarah: Dude... DO YOU THINK THAT OLD NAVY WOULD HAVE PANTIES THAT HAD A FAN OF MULTICOLORED FEATHERS ON THE BACK?? Because that would be cute. Plus, then you could shake your tail feathers. I'm just saying.
Lisa: HA! That? Was brilliant. Victoria's Secret sells holiday panties with like Santa fur and stuff on them. They should totally sell Thanksgiving ones with feathers.
Sarah: And they could also sell a... sexy pilgrim hat? A bra with some sort of pilgrim collar?
Lisa: Heeeeeee. Besides, Puritan lingerie is the ultimate oxymoron!
Sarah: Yes, like someone says "is nothing sacred?" And we say NO!
Lisa: Do people really care about keeping the Puritan tradition sacred? Just wondering.
Sarah: Lisa. We could make a whole line of Thanksgiving underwear. A pair could just say across the butt, "You SHOULD be thankful!"
Lisa: Or it could say, "Thanks but no thanks!" Or, "No, thank YOU!" Or, (OR!!!!) "Thanky Panky."
Sarah: I hope you are saving all of this somewhere.
Lisa: Seriously.

Sarah: I'm just glad she didn't say anything about my best friend Britney.

Mallory has opinions on music. It is, after all, her life.

Mallory: I hate The Killers. The Killers should try and kill the B-52's and there should be a huge explosion and lots of death.
Sarah: ...
M: .. hi.

We talk about MySpace, boys, and the lack thereof.

M: When The Killers kill the B-52's, Angels from Angels and Airwaves should be their guardian angels, and die too.
S: HA!

We talk about the campaign Mallory is working on. We also talk about school.

M: Ugh. The Killers should fight the B-52's in the Sound Garden. And they should be fighting over a Chemical Romance. With the guardian Angels in Airwaves nearby.
S: I love you so much.

More time passes.

M: I dunno how, but Depeche Mode should somehow be killed by The Killers too.

Lisa: I'm...sorry?

I just tried to help a charming young girl seeking to further her education.

Baby Momma: "Do you have the GED study guide for 2006?"
Lisa: (I look it up.) "Well, we own a few, but they're all checked out. Would you like to put one on hold?"
BM: "I'm in kind of a hurry. Do you have 2005?"
Lisa: (I look it up.) "Yes, but it looks like those are all checked out too. I could put one of those on hold...?"
BM: "I have to take the GED next week."
Lisa: (Sympathetic noise.) "They probably have some online study aids."
BM: "I don't have a computer."
Lisa: "Well...we do have computers here that you can use." (I point to the public computers.)
BM: "OK." (She stares at me. She obviously doesn't like this answer.)
Lisa: "...They might have some study guides checked in at the City Library System or at a school library."
BM: "Like, what school?" (She smirks. Obviously I am dimwitted because if she is taking the GED that means she dropped out of school.)
Lisa: "The University of Utah library might have study guides like that."
BM: "I don't have a car." (She just stares at me. I am obviously supposed to fix this problem.)
Lisa: "OK. Well...I know there are a lot of bus routes that go up to the University."
BM: (Kind of rolls her eyes and keeps staring at me.)
Lisa: (I stare back.)

Baby Momma's friend rescued me by coming over and telling BM that her dad might have a study guide from last year if he hadn't sold it on Ebay yet. Otherwise I don't know how I would have gotten out of that one.

Lisa: size isn't everything

Blake should know better than to ask me about upcoming library programs while I'm falling asleep.

Lisa: I think Charlotte and the spider from Arachnophobia should have a Celebrity Deathmatch.
Blake: But...the spider from Arachnophobia is like 100 times bigger!
Lisa: But Charlotte is clever.
Blake: But...it's just so much bigger than she is!
Lisa: Blake. She writes words in her WEB. Haven't you ever heard that the pen is mightier than the sword?

Lisa: No, I'm your tiny dancer

Sarah, Mallory, Marci and I tried to go see Take the Lead last weekend, but it wasn't out yet. We ended up renting The Craft instead, a movie I always wanted to see but was never allowed to. But I digress...

Sarah: Speaking of things that are crazy, Mal just texted me
Lisa: Oh, crazy Mal!
Sarah: and said that Jeff Vice (movie reviewer for the Deseret News) gave Take The Lead a decent review! (I could find no physical evidence of this.)
Lisa: whoa
Sarah: Which means... WE TOTALLY WATCH HIGH QUALITY MOVIES!
Lisa: Hee. This would be the first one.
Sarah: Plus, it's supposed to be heartwarming! And who DOESN'T need a warmer heart? I ask you.
Lisa: It would warm my heart even if it was about cold-blooded dancing criminals.
Sarah: HA HA HA. As long as they were dancing. That's why you love West Side Story so very, very much.
Lisa: Well, that is because of the singing and the snapping IN ADDITION to the dancing.

Sarah: Comfort Food

Backstory: Armando adores our mother. This is a good thing, except that he keeps referring to her as a "good woman." By this he means that she is a good cook, wife, homemaker, career woman. Really, she IS a good woman. But hearing him use the phrase is amusing nonetheless. A recent conversation with him, however, revealed that he may think even more highly of Aunt Jemima, she who holds the imitation maple syrup. Lisa and I discussed this curious development:

Sarah: Armando may or may not have a crush on Aunt Jemima.
Lisa: HA. She's just like mom, except sweeter. And more pleasantly plump. And more of a pleasing maple-brown color.
S: lol. Yeah. He called her "honorable auntie." He says "She makes waffles yummy."
L: Oh no. I hope he pronounced it ohn-tee.
S: Hee. She's totally the ORIGINAL 'good woman.'
L: Seriously. And also, ew.
S: I'm waiting for the day that he's all "I care about you Sarah, but I think we should just be friends... You just can't measure up to Honorable Auntie Jemima and her mapley goodness."
L: Hee. That day may very well come.

Sarah: I continue to amaze myself with my own lack of penis.

My spam begs the question "Why have a Small Weenie When you can Have a Fat Kobassa?"

Why, indeed.

Edited to add a conversation resulting from this post:
Armando: Sarah. Your mom isn't going to like that at all.
Sarah: Dude. She will laugh harder than anyone. Your insistence that she is some sort of saint is tiring.
A:Isnt it Kielbasa? Polish sausage I assume you mean. I may have spelled it wrong, I haven't been in NYC in awhile.
S: Yes, that is what it SHOULD be, but my spam spelled it the way I blogged it.
A: Make sure you add that stuff. Makes it funnier, for me at least.

Sarah: That is to say, not hairy?

Armando attempts to explain the level of female grooming he disapproves of.

A: I just vomited in my mouth. There's a lady here that doesn't shave her legs.
S: lol
A: Her legs are like mine.
S: ... Shaved?

Lisa: There's so many things I need to know

Utah is kind of a weird place. I'm sure this isn't news to anyone. I guess I should say that the culture of the predominant religion is what is weird. Not bad, just a little odd. The church places a big emphasis on youth programs, including what they call "seminary" (taking a Sunday School class as part of your high school schedule) and a sort of sleep-away camp called "Especially For Youth." Seminary teachers and the EFY counselors and speakers are placed in the awkward position of entertaining teenagers and teaching gospel principles at the same time. Let's just say that sometimes they resort to...interesting techniques to get kids to pay attention.

FOR.

EXAMPLE.

High School Boyfriend and EFY Devotee: "You know that Styx song, Crystal Ball?"
Me: "..."
HSB&EFYD: "Anyway, I have a tape of it. When you listen to it, substitute the words 'Book of Mormon' for 'Crystal Ball' in the chorus."
Me: "Book of Mormon?"
HSB&EFYD: "Yeah, it's awesome! It really fits."
Me: "..."

Fast-forward ten years. Whenever Crystal Ball (actually a rockin' song, by the way, so I'm glad I was introduced to it) comes on, Blake and I always yell out "Book of...MOR! MON!" over the chorus and laugh maniacally. Good times.

Sarah: Biggie Smalls is the illest.

Armando picked me up from work to go to lunch:

Sarah: Hey, how's it going?
A: My hump. Myhumpmyhumpmyhump.
S: My lovely lady lumps.
A: There is so much bad music on the radio these days.
S: [Sarcastically] Sigh, It just hasn't been the same since Biggie died...
A: [Wistfully] I know...

Sarah: "I kissed Rory Gilmore and still got stuck with a James Van Der Beek cast-off."

Lisa and I discuss my review of House of Wax.

Lisa: So JPad and CMM totally flirt with each other.
Sarah: well, possibly. It could have been friendly banter, but I have a feeling that CMM does NOT heart JPad.
Lisa: Oh really? I am sure he thinks he is much better than him.
Sarah: He probably got passed over for the New York Minute role and has been bitter ever since.
Lisa: HA
Sarah: Or maybe I just WANT that to be the case.
Lisa: He chose Hilary Duff over MK&A.
Sarah: Plus, JPad got Rory.
Lisa: Hee. True, true. And CMM had to head over to the Creek to sex up one of Katie Holmes' sidekicks.
Sarah: lol. Which is sort of sad, really. Because that means he played second to James Van der Beek. Who is uggo. And a bad actor. And uggo.
Lisa: Hee. Totally. Beeky crying=audience laughter.

Sarah: And by "any time" I mean...

Armando has a fairly new job. He fills job positions with compatible employees. Or rather, that's what he tries to do. In real life, after speaking with a prospective employee, he sends me emails that say the following:

Typical work convo:

Guy: I need a job
Armando: When can you work?
Guy: Whenever
Armando: Can you work tonight?
Guy: No?
Armando: So when can you work?
Guy: mon-fri, anytime.
Armando: Anytime? So can you work tonight?
Guy: No
Armando: Any reason why?
Guy: Just can't.

Armando, although you may be frustrated, these experiences never cease to amuse me.

Sarah: We talk to Mallory a lot.

Mallory: Did you know that 210,000 children under the age of five die every week due to mal-nutrition? That was depressing. Sorry about that.
Sarah: It's ok. But it is depressing.
Mallory: *sigh*
Sarah: I would pat your head if this was in person.
Mallory: I need a head pat right about now.
Sarah: I'm sorry that i disappoint you.
Mallory: Or tiny dancer by ben folds.
Mallory: Hee. You don't.
HOLD ME CLOSER TINY DANCERRRR
Sarah: Yes... Ben Folds singing Elton John is like a musical pat on the head. Like an old sweater that gets warmer with age...
Mallory: Jesus freakkssss in the streetttt

Lisa: Obviously, I didn't win Blake over with my extensive sports knowledge.

Lisa: So, I was watching an Angel episode with Molly, and Lilah was all "4th and something blah blah what do you do?" and someone else was all "punt." And I was like "I don't get these baseball references."
Mallory: lol
Lisa: And Molly looked at me like I was the biggest idiot. "You mean...football?"
Mallory: Hey, at least you knew it was a sport comment.
Lisa: Yeah. I had to shrug, all "Whatever. Sports!"
Lisa: I guess I was confusing punt with bunt, which is really stupid, I know. I DO know the difference.
Lisa: Punt = kick, right?
Lisa: yeah
Lisa: And bunting is when you hold the bat out funny instead of swinging at the ball. Right?
Mallory: lol. Yup.
Lisa: See, I am not SO much of an idiot.
Lisa: And I know that 4th and whatever is like 4th down and however many yards to go. But there could also be a 4th ... inning?
Mallory: Yeah. There can be a million innings if nobody scores. But there are usually 8 or 9.
Lisa: right
Lisa: See, I totally knew that.
Mallory: It depends on the home team and if they've scored or some weird rule. One summer my friend Cynthia and I decided to learn all we could about sports so we could go to sporting events and meet guys.
Lisa: Hee. How did that work out for you?
Mallory: We learned a lot about sports...but didn't meet very many guys. We were mostly like "Hee, we know football!" And the guys were like "ughsa;dkdfj," which is code for meat heads.
Lisa: Lots of grunting?
Mallory: Exactly, so we were like EW YOU'RE GROSS and went away.

Sarah: Jammin' in the name of the Lord

A friend of mine walked with me down a hallway and were watched by an African American woman in her forties or fifties. After we passed her, the woman said "Daaaaamn. Yabba dabba jabbidy dall." Once we were out of view and hearing range, I verified with my friend what the woman had said. Having a more discerning ear, he corrected me and explained that the woman had said "Y'all be jammin'. I wanna be jammin' with y'all," which, roughly translated, means that she likes how we looked. Well, that's good.

Sarah: Noisy

Behold the wisdom of Nicole:
N: Annoying people shouldn't be allowed to whistle.
Sarah: [Laughing]
N: It just reminds us that they're around. And that is not okay.

Lisa: Freddy

Today I checked out a new workout video from the library for me and Sarah to do. To get her pumped up and excited about it, I started instant messaging her the copy from the back of the box. Obviously, I am not concerned about annoying her while she is at work.

Lisa: Urban Street Heat: dance fitness for beginners, with MaDonna Grimes
Lisa: More fun than a dance party!
Sarah: hee
Lisa: Hot moves you can take to the clubs!
Lisa: Hip Hop routines challenge every muscle!
Sarah: SWEET
Lisa: From the back: Who knew getting a full-body, cardio workout could be so much fun! Urban Street Heat is more like a dance party than an aerobics class. MaDonna Grimes makes working out fun in this fresh and funky Dance Fitness for Beginners program.
Sarah: It is... funky fresh?
Lisa: I KNOW
Lisa: SPECIAL FEATURES:
Lisa: presented in normal frame and anamorphic widescreen (seriously, because the cinematography on this WORKOUT VIDEO is awesome)
Lisa: dolby digital 5.1
Lisa: interactive full-motion menus
Lisa: bonus workout
Lisa: workout to music without narration
Lisa: chapter selections
Sarah: hee
Lisa: photo gallery
Lisa: trailers!
Lisa: wardrobe courtesy of freddy, www.freddy.com
Sarah: Dude. That guy is WAY gross. Super slick.
Lisa: What guy?
Sarah: The guy on freddy's site.
Sarah: Dude. FREDDY?!
Lisa: Hee. Did you watch "the new freddy video"? I think you can watch it without sound no problem. Like, the sound isn't integral to the video.
Sarah: hee
Sarah: Um, no.
Lisa: it has that k-fed lookin guy
Sarah: ew
Lisa: But it has a bunch of Mao-lookalikes who he inspires to rip off their uniforms through his aerobic guidance!
Lisa: And some are girls! Shocking! And some of them are having FUN! There are others who do not approve and who do not rip off their uniforms. I don't know what their problem is, but they obviously have not discovered the fresh fun that is freddy.

Now YOU can discover it for yourself.

Sarah: Why hello, Officer.

"So, I had the strangest dream."
"Oh yeah? What about?"
"A policeman pulled us over so he could flirt with you."

Lisa: I'm sure God likes Red Vines, too

More members have been inducted into the awesome Girls Bike Club. I'm not linking the entry I quoted from below, because I think it's important to start reading at the beginning. Oh, and Sars rocks.

Wing Chun: But doesn't Jesus have better things to do?
Sarah: You'd think so. Then you'd look at the election results.
Wing Chun: That's kind of what I mean. He seems pretty busy hating gays these days.
Sarah: Oh, we can't blame Jesus for that. I bet he's under the bed totally mortified that people are using his name to pull this shit down here. "I died for this? Gah!"
Wing Chun: And God is tapping at his bedroom door all, "Jesus? Honey? Are you okay in there? I heated up some Bagel Bites, do you want some?"
Sarah: "They're pepperoni, your favorite. … Jesus?"
Wing Chun: Aw. Our God is a snacky God.
Sarah: That's what I choose to believe.

Sarah: Like anyone believes those "psychological disorders"

Sarah has taken a break from her busy eavesdropping schedule to bring you this conversation:
The players: A guy and two girls
The location: My period literature class, before the teacher had begun the lecture

Guy: ... First you need a bigger t.v.
Girl 1: I know. I want a bigger picture of that... I don't know who it is. It's called The Kiss?
Guy: Oh...
Girl 1: It's really beautiful.
Girl 2: I want a picture by Monet.
Girl 1: I'm not a big fan of Van Gogh.
Guy: HAVE YOU NO CULTURE?!
Girl 1: I'm just not into that whole "I'm going to cut off my ear because I have a psychological disorder" thing.

Sarah: Me no speaky Chinese

MSN Instant Messenger conversation between myself and M, my new coworker.

M: Do you know what "lmao" means?
Sarah: Yes.
M: I thought my friend was online.. but then all of a sudden theyre like "LMAO LMAO THIS ISNT MARCI HAHAHAH BYE" and then left.
Sarah: Yuck. I hate them.
M: ... and I'm like, "Okay, bye."
Sarah: lmao= laugh my ass off.
M: Ahh... I was thinking it was a chinese food or something. lmao.. It kind of looks Asian.
Sarah: ha ha ha ha Yeah, it does...
M: ..
Sarah: You're still cool...
M: Thanks man

Lisa: CuteDean. Accept no substitutes!

Lisa: I JUST GOT MY GILMORE GIRLS DVDS!!!!!! I am so bringing them to California.
Sarah: WOOOHOOOO!!! Dude, do it.
Lisa: We can totally watch the whole season in a week.
Sarah: And if Blake and Dave are being boring in the car...
Sarah: Are you SOOO excited?
Lisa: I AM SO SO SO SO SO EXCITED!!!!! Best show EVER! At least, Season 1 was.
Sarah: Yeah, they talk so fast! And are so funny! And cute! And i've never seen Season 1, so i'm psyched.
Lisa: And they were so much funnier and cuter in Season 1.
Lisa: And there is CuteDean!!!
Sarah: hee
Lisa: WOOOHOOOOOOOOO
Sarah: Yeah, I never saw Dean when he was cute. Only when he was a punkass with a new girlfriend who was TOTALLY not as cool as Rory.
Lisa: Yeah. You will love him. Every girl should have a Dean as a first boyfriend. He makes guys want to be better men.
Sarah: hee hee
Lisa: How was your date?
Sarah: It was fun.
Lisa: Did you talk to David when you got home?
Sarah: No. Why?
Lisa: We were instant messaging around midnight. David thinks Armando wanted some booty. In fact, i think his exact words were "methinks he wants some booty."
Sarah: hee
Lisa: So...was he right?
Sarah: Hee. Um...damn straight!!!
Lisa: With the wanting of the booty?
Sarah: I dunno. He likes me, i think.
Lisa: Of course he does!
Sarah: So, why did Dave think that?
Lisa: Maybe because his name is Armaaaando. And he picked you up on the side of the road and got your number.
Sarah: Hee. Well, it wasn't QUITE like that...
Lisa: ROOOOOOxanne
Lisa: you don't have to put on the red light
Lisa: walk the streets for MOOONey
Lisa: you don't care if it's wrong
Lisa: or if it is right
Lisa: Hee. Just indulging in a little mid-morning Sting (Moulin Rouge remix)
Sarah: Hee. You have problems.
Lisa: yars
Sarah: So, maybe he likes me for my brilliant mind!
Lisa: Maybe he feels it's his duty to please that booty. (tm Shaft)
Sarah: Wha...? You lost me.
Lisa: Sarah: so, maybe he likes me for my brilliant mind!
Lisa: maybe he feels it's his duty to please that booty
Sarah: Why did you just copy the conversation that we had TWO SECONDS AGO??
Lisa: Because you said you were lost.
Sarah: Lisa: (tm Shaft)
Sarah: I do not know what that was supposed to mean.
Lisa: He's the black private dick who's the sex machine to all the chicks. Can you dig it?
Sarah: Hee. Well, i know who Shaft is...
Lisa: Shaft said "it's my duty to please that booty." I was just giving him proper credit.
Sarah: I see. Hee.
Lisa: Armaaaando doesn't read our site, does he? So i can post something about him?
Sarah: Dude, he's commented on our site before. So yeah, he does. But he keeps wanting to be written about, so go ahead.
Sarah: Also, are you going to continue to say his name "Armaaaando"?
Lisa: It is decidedly so.

Sarah: Coleslaw face

It used to be that light skin indicated a higher class of people, those who did not need to participate in hard labor to earn their living. The wealthy were pale and unfreckled, pampered with a lifestyle largely conducted out of the harsh and damaging sunlight. Where did the days go when light skin was considered desirable?!

Friend: You're really pale, you know.
Sarah: Yeah, I know, but since I have dark hair, it's dramatic, right? I don't look sickly... It's dramatic!
Friend: Hm. No. Your skin is kind of the color of coleslaw.
Sarah: Wow. Thanks.

Lisa: It's rude to type with your mouth full.

Sarah signed on to instant messenger this afternoon before heading down to Salt Lake from Logan, to let me know she would be a little earlier than expected to pick me up. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of cleaning my keyboard when she signed on. Since I eat lunch at my desk almost every day, my keyboard was completely disgusting. I had a bunch of keys popped off in order to clean underneath, making it almost impossible for me to type. Translations and explanations are below in bold. Sorry, Sarah! I love you!

Sarah: so i might be there closer to 2, depending on the roads.
Lisa: (hasn't noticed yet that Sarah is trying to talk) 1223134
Sarah: i TOTALLY agree.
Lisa: krd rk (keyboard broken)
Lisa: (still cleaning) 5
Sarah: okay, i'm going to be okay on money.
Sarah: i don't have a lot to spend, but we can buy ribbon or whatever.
Lisa: (now cleaning the keyboard tray, causing the number keys to smash against the desk above) 7+7+++777;
Sarah: have you been gagged?
Lisa: 77777777777777
Lisa: (puts the keyboard back down) (smiley face emoticon)
Sarah: ugh.
Sarah: what's your deal?
Lisa: (sobbing emoticon)
Sarah: WHAT??
Lisa: (reassesses available keys and tries again) typg rkm (typing broken)
Sarah: typing rkm?
Lisa: typg (Yes! Typing! You figured it out!)
Lisa: (smiling emoticon)
Sarah: typing.
Lisa: (smiling emoticon)
Sarah: dude. add vowels. it will take less time.
Sarah: is your mouth full or something??
Lisa: rkm (Okay, second word. BROKEN.)
Sarah: slkdgh;asdioghjwamcsewionsdfvads
Sarah: okay, miss no-speaky.
Sarah: i'll see you soon, i suppose.
Lisa: (Seeing Sarah's stream of letters, gets the idea to cut and paste. Unfortunately, there is no 'b'. Long pause.) sorry
Sarah: what's up with the crazy talkey?
Lisa: (Now brilliantly deduces that she can use the missing letters by poking down the little holes in the keyboard with the screwdriver she was using to pry the keys off. Long pause.) broken
Lisa: (pause) keys
Sarah: really?
Lisa: cleaning
Sarah: oh. dweeb...
Lisa: (longest pause ever) now using screwdriver
Sarah: hee
Sarah: okay, i'm gonna go.
Sarah: i'll call you when i'm close.
Sarah: LOVE YOU!
Lisa: k
Lisa: (heart shaped emoticon)
Lisa: (resumes cleaning) 05455545555555555555

So, all's well that ends well, I guess. My keyboard is now cleaner than when I got it. Unfortunately, I kind of broke the space bar when i was putting it back on. I just have to remember to space with my right hand.

Guest Blogger: David Anderson

Dave: So, on the page where i read your email, there was this ad with a picture of a smile, that said, "Who does this smile belong to? Click for a FREE $50 certificate," and it obviously belonged to Julia Roberts. You know how those things are.
Lisa (reading this conversation later): You didn't click, did you?
Sarah: Dude, you didn't do it, did you?
Dave: And the choices were: Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry. So, I obviously clicked on Halle Berry.
Sarah: Dude, one of those people is black.
Dave: Apparently, I won a $50 certificate. So I was wrong, Halle Berry is a white woman.
Sarah: hee hee hee
Dave: Those things are so dumb. I guess they think that people will read it, and go "Ooh! I know the answer! I know the answer!" and not be able to resist clicking, so they get the easiest possible question that everyone will know. But i think they would have more success if they had questions like, "How did Millikan prove Plank's hypothesis of the quantization of atomic spectra to be correct?" Then, people would really want to try to answer it. it wouldn't be so obvious.
Sarah: Dude. You're a geek.
Dave: But then again, they want to prey upon the stupid. So that might mess with their whole business plan.
Sarah: Yes.

Sarah: Britney Ain't Got Nothing On Me!

Instant Message Conversation with my friend/Lisa's co-worker G.

Sarah: So, how's your kid?
G: He's good. He's a dancing machine. I totally caught him dancing and watching his reflection in a glass door. He acted all sheepish when he saw me watching.
Sarah: Hee. That's so cute!!
G: He looked like I felt the time my dad walked in on me singing Madonna songs into my hairbrush.
Sarah: So, the story about him and your Madonna fiasco reminded me of when i was little. I would sing and dance around my bedroom, but didn't like anyone watching me. One time Lisa and our brother Dave snuck up on me doing my artistic rendition of the original work "Please, Mom and Dad, don't get a divoooorce..." Don't know why. The marriage wasn't on the rocks or anything...
G: Hee! I think kids just worry about that stuff for some reason.

Sarah: I love your funny face

Last night, Lisa and I were hanging out and trying to figure out which movie to watch. A while before our conversation, I had expressed a desire to see Party Girl. When trying to remember my suggestion, Lisa initiated the following discussion:
Lisa: What was that movie you wanted to see? Funny Girl?
Sarah: Party Girl.
Lisa: Oh yeah, that's right. But Funny Girl is a classic...
Sarah: Yeah, it is. Especially if you're a fan of Barbra.
Lisa: Oh, I was thinking of Funny Face!
[At this point in the conversation, Lisa's body language was animated to the point of having spirit fingers.]
Lisa: That's the one that goes "Isn't this the height of nonchalance? Ordering a bed at resturants!"

Sarah: I can see clearly now

Many of the lightbulbs in our apartment burnt out a few weeks ago. Tonight we replaced all ten dead bulbs with new lights. After I replaced seven (SEVEN!) lightbulbs in the vanity/hallway area, my roommate was amazed by how brightly lit the mirror area was. "Wow," she said, "now we can see ALL of our pimples!"

Hilarity ensued.

Sarah: Wasting Oxygen

One of my roommates didn't really grasp the weblog concept. In an attempt to expose her to this phenomenom, I showed her a few weblogs along with our site. After giving her a tour of Two Loose Teeth, she said "Isn't that a lot of work to just let people know that you are there?"

That experience defines my existence.

Lisa: Percussion...Strings...Winds....Words

Sarah: I've had the song "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from The Little Mermaid stuck in my head all morning.
Lisa: Hee. Now I'm going to have it in MY head. Thanks a lot.
Sarah: “This one longing to be thinner, this one wants to get the girl, and do I help them??”
Sarah: “Yes indeed!”
Lisa: hee
Lisa: “If you want to cross the bridge, my friend, you have to pay the toll!”
Sarah: hee
Lisa: “(Flotsam, Jetsam, now i've got her, boys! THE BOSS IS ON A ROOOOOLLLLL!)”
Lisa: “those
Lisa: POOR
Lisa: UN
Lisa: FOR
Lisa: TUNATE
Lisa: SOOOOUUUUULLLLS!”
Sarah: No one can shimmy like Ursula.
Lisa: truh

Lisa: Segue

I think this is the best conversational transition I have ever heard (courtesy Gabrielle):

"Speaking of unnattractive bulges..."

Sarah: You have received an email from Teeth

Actual Instant Messenger Conversation between Sarah and Lisa.

Sarah: Well, at least i'm open, huh? What was the highest possible score on the personality test? I haven't taken it yet.
Lisa: All are out of 45 except openness, which is out of 90.
Sarah: Danget!!
Lisa: hee
Sarah: Dude, i think that you just basically told me that i have NO personality. Could you have given me LOWER scores?!
Lisa: Yes, the minimum for each category is nine.
Sarah: I hate you.
Lisa: Is there a difference between extraversion and extroversion?
Sarah: Um... a spelling mistake? Let me check.
Sarah: Yeah, extraversion isn't a word as far as i could discern.
Lisa: That's how they spell it on the survey; that's why i was wondering.
Sarah: Well, then it's almost okay that you gave me a low score on extraversion, but only because it doesn't exist. Punk.
Lisa: hee
Sarah: I'm going to ask someone who likes me more to do the test.
Lisa: I gave you a super high score on extraversion!
Sarah: You gave me the lowest possible conscientiousness score. but whatever. that's probably my lowest area, anyway. And a 26 in agreeableness?!?! Shocked, stunned, and hurt.
Lisa: It's not the lowest possible! Do the test and see what you give yourself!

Later in the conversation:

Lisa: Did you ever have Mr. Burnham at Wasatch Jr.?
Sarah: He moved to another school my 8th grade year.
Lisa: Oh.
Lisa: We always had these true/false quizzes and he would read the answers out loud, we'd correct our own, and then he'd go through the roll and we'd all say our scores out loud.
Sarah: Man, they wouldn't allow that anymore!
Lisa: Anyway, he always said truh instead of true
Lisa: truh, truh, false, truh, etc.
Sarah: Hee. So, uh...
Lisa: So, now I always want to say truh instead of true. Like a little private joke with myself.
Sarah: Dude, I just almost choked on whater.
Sarah: water!!
Lisa: hee
Sarah: What's worse, i almost typed chocked.
Lisa: I chocked on whater! Help!
Lisa: Hee. Hee hee. I'm sitting here giggling. No dignity, whatsoever.
Sarah: Me too. It's truh!!
Lisa: Hee. Will you share my private joke with me?
Sarah: Oh, please, can I?!
Lisa: Hee. Hee hee. Ok, this is getting embarrassing. Hee hee hee. Mouth, you have received an email from Brain. Subject: Shut Up!

Lisa: Issues

Actual conversation conducted via instant messaging.

Sarah: Hee hee hee. Snoop. Funny, yo.
Lisa: I thought so too.
Sarah: By the way, did you like my latest evidence that mom is a complete crazy crazy?
Lisa: She's insane. Also, her message irritated me very much and kept me from falling asleep.
Sarah: Dude, it kept you up last night??
Lisa: It made me really mad for some reason, even though it didn't apply to me in any way.
Sarah: Yeah, it had a maddening effect on me too, but it didn't keep me up at night.
Lisa: “So, you'll be singing in choir with us, so you'll have to be in bed by 11. OK? Ok, great! See you then! Bye!”
Sarah: Yeah. Word.
Lisa: “Oh, and David can cram his CD player! He is getting a chocolate bunny or nothing!”
Sarah: Bwee.
Sarah: I don't think she meant that part like that.
Lisa: “And you will be getting treats that are sugar- and fat-free! Also, a toothbrush!”
Sarah: Hee hee hee.
Lisa: “We don't invite Lisa and Blake for Easter, because we don't want to intrude on their private egg hunt!”
Lisa: “Maybe we will invite them over if we have to, but they have to bring their own, pre-filled Easter baskets!”
Lisa: “Then we will look disapprovingly on any fattening items they include!”
Lisa: “Ok, great! See you there!”
Sarah: Hee hee. Dude, I thought I was the one with issues...
Lisa: Apparently not.
Sarah: hee

Lisa: And Hilarity Ensued

So, I walked across the hall into my old office and into this conversation: "and then he started smashing it with a rock, and he was all 'die, snake! Die! DIE!!'"

How could I talk about copy center account numbers after that?