Lisa: homer simpson pictures the matrix

Some people say that librarians will become obsolete. Apparently, everyone in the future will search for their information on Google instead of coming in to the library. Well, people may search on Google, but I doubt they'll find what they're looking for. Believe me, there will be a need for intelligent individuals who know how and where to look in order to find the relevant answers.

How do I know this, you may ask? Why, I simply look at the search phrases that bring people to this site. Most of our readers seem to be looking for porn or information on teeth, but some of the queries are sad or just plain bizarre. Here are a few of my favorites:

Lisa: Who says romance is dead?

Pillow Talk:

Lisa: "Harrumph hum hechhuh. I think I damaged my phlegminator."
Blake: "[Beavis and Butthead-style laughter]. I ruptured my phlegmkebobble."

Lisa: pie with cake stuffed inside

This excerpt is from an article on The Morning News, a site that has now been added to my favorites list. The article is the responses of a panel of "non-experts" to the question "Does Santa Claus exist?".

Here's what Joshua Allen had to say:

One time I was in a Denny’s trying to slit my wrists with my final paycheck from a different Denny’s. The female waitperson came over, lay her meaty hands upon mine. ‘What can I get for you?’ she asked, her voice husky and intimate. ‘Anything,’ she said. I looked up and saw the tinsel-fringed Santa hat upon her head. Tears rolled down my smoke-stained cheeks as I said: ‘Pie, with cake stuffed inside.’ She nodded and went to get it while I dunked the paycheck into my tiny glass of ice water. Thank you, Santa Claus, thank you thank you.

Sarah: To Vacate

I just returned from vacation in California. It was beautiful, fun, etc. A few notes concerning said vacation:

Sarah: Turtle Feelings

Blake and Lisa have a cute little turtle named Petunia. It is a common belief among those of us who know Miss P that she is a turtle of exceptional intelligence. She can also be very moody. When still new to the Blake and Lisa family, Petunia seemed to become jealous when Blake ignored her in favor of Lisa. She would sometimes be sulky, etc. I thought of Petunia when reading this Mimi Smartypants entry:

Maybe, even though they don’t do mirror-time, turtles nonetheless have all kinds of observing and commenting sub-selves. Maybe soon we will get turtle translators and turtle typing devices and then we can read the turtle weblogs. Do you think turtles would have lots of little jealousies and dramas, teenage-LiveJournal style? They seem placid but I bet they are seething with turmoil under the shell.

If Petunia wrote a weblog, I would read it.

Lisa: Editor at Large

Blake and I have often thought that cities should hire an "editor at large," to remove errant apostrophes and spelling mistakes from billboards and signs--in other words, to beautify the landscape and make commuting more pleasant. Of course, I would be this editor for our city.

One error in particular has been attacking my brain with an ice pick lately. Have you seen the McDonald's commercial starring Dominic from Kindergarten Cop? In the commercial, Dominic picks up his mother and several of her mom-type friends, who all pile in the back of the minivan and start yelling their McDonald's menu selections at the top of their lungs. This is not the worst part.

The camera then cuts to a shot of an artfully tossed Crispy Chicken Caesar Salad (tm) or similar, overlaid with a woman's voice saying "If your kids could, they'd take you!" Now, I guarantee that the advertising whizzes who came up with the concept for this commercial meant for that slogan to be read "If your kids could, they'd take you!" Do we all understand the difference here?

Now, if McDonalds had hired a grammar specialist to oversee the production of all advertising, signage, etc., this disaster could have been averted! Here's the moral of the story: if you are an executive at a powerful company that wants to portray an intelligent image, contact me immediately. I'd be glad to fax over a resume.

Lisa: Phantom Burritos

As you can probably tell from the book that's been in my sidebar, I've started the Atkins diet--or, as cult members call it, the Atkins "way of life." I've found that changing my lifestyle to such a radical degree has made me something of a broken record. It seems that all I think or talk about is the diet. My long-suffering friends, family, and coworkers have been subjected to ongoing prattle on what I can and cannot eat. I haven't been blogging much lately, because I've been updating my online food diary instead. Could this be the effects of brainwashing?

I've even started dreaming about the diet. I am devouring a delicious but carbohydrate-laden food (bean burritos, chips, M&Ms, etc.), when I suddenly realize it is not allowed. I become very distraught, spitting out the bite I have in my mouth and throwing the rest on the ground. Sometimes I even throw myself on the ground, cry, and pound my fists in despair at my stupidity and failure. While the foods change from dream to dream, the scenario always remains the same. Incidentally, Blake says that I chew a lot during the night.

Now, I'm not really complaining--I'd prefer to have stress dreams about food than about gory massacres. But I'd much rather dream about how thin I'm going to be. Or, even better, about Angel.

Sarah: Goodbye and thanks for everything

As I move to college this week, I am moved to take a moment to acknowledge the things that were great about this summer:

Sarah: Fashion Police

Although I do not consider myself the epitome of high fashion, I think I can confidently state that these two examples of poor taste that I observed on campus are blog worthy.
Although they are tan, cream, and black, plaid pants will NEVER EVER be neutral. For this reason, You can not pair them with a mauve-ish peasant top. This was a bad look, Girl By the Fine Arts Building.
Britney Spears-style newsie hats are ugly. I know they're trendy or whatever, but I do not like them. Because of their popularity, however, I do accept them adorning the heads of many Girls With Too Much Makeup. I do NOT condone a certain tan corduroy Britney hat worn backwards by some Guy Riding Bike. Dude. Someone needs to tell you that you can't wear your girlfriend's hats. She'd be ashamed.
This is Sarah, Fashionista, signing off.