Sarah: They're real people. Underneath.

Armando and I have started watching really bad horror movies. It's fun to watch something that makes you jump, but is also hilarious. So far I've refused to watch Frankenfish, but Armando kindly followed my suggestion and rented House of Wax when he came over to hang out on Saturday. I was certain this movie would be horrible. Why? Paris Hilton, for one. And no one can be smarmy and annoying quite like Chad Michael Murray. Ever since he called Rory "Mary" incessantly, I've hated him. So. We were primed for an awesomely awful evening. And House of Wax did not disappoint.

The movie was significantly better than expected (and way better than Boogeyman, also known as Darkness Falls Two: More of the Same). This is not to say that we couldn't see who was going to survive and who would die within the first 20 minutes of the film, or that the characters behaved like real people that might have seen a single horror film, or even had common sense, but it was entertaining. The deaths were scary, the antagonist was creepy, and I even was surprised by one situation. I don't want to give it away, however, because EVERYONE SHOULD RENT THIS MOVIE. You may think I'm insane, but you must watch the special features.

Information I learned from this dvd:
1. Spawn of Kiefer is a complete coffee fiend.
2. And the shortest person in the universe.
3. Paris Hilton is even more dumb than I could have imagined. But she does a pretty good job acting on the movie. Then again, she's portraying a rich slut, so perhaps it wasn't really 'acting' after all.
4. Chad Michael Murray may be a victim of typecasting: he perpetually plays a snotty, yet inwardly tortured punk kid.
5. Watching props fall on CMM's head is surprisingly satisfying. Possibly cathartic.

Four of the cast members (Spawn (aka Elisha Cuthbert), Chad Michael Murray, Paris Hilton, and Jared Padelecki (whose middle name is Tristan, and whose tv brother is named Dean, all of which is very confusing)) all sit on a couch to watch and discuss the deleted scenes. This was by far my favorite special feature. Spawn's coffee cup never gets more than a few inches from her face. JPad may or may not believe he is "down" (further supported by his robot dancing of the past). CMM always seems about two seconds from shouting "WHERE THE HELL IS MY AGENT?!" and walking offscreen. And Paris Hilton is either practically braindead, or heavily sedated.

Sample conversation:
PH: Oh yeah, that scene. They made us, like, do that scene over and over. And we kept having to like, go back? And do it over? Like, from the beginning. So I had to keep running. I was just like, so calm. So they made me run to get out of breath.
CMM: [staring at the tv screen]
Spawn: Oh my gosh, you guys. Oh my gosh. This was so. Funny. It wasn't on the script. He was just making it up? And we had to be serious. Oh my gosh. [Slurps coffee]
JPad: Oh yeah, it was, like totally so hard not to laugh.
CMM: You always say "like totally."
JPad: (flirtatiously?) Whatever. You're totally worse. You're all "like totally, like totally."
CMM: Yeah.
[Entire group watches tv as supporting cast member improvises a little song about the previous scene in the movie. It's actually fairly amusing. The scene changes, and the cast members seem about to discuss the next scene]
PH: No, he doesn't talk like that in real life.
[Awkward silence as the rest of the group thinks back to the conversation they were having five minutes earlier.]
Spawn: Yeah... He was acting. Making it up.

I could write more about the awesomeness, but I want everyone to experience it for themselves. Armando made me return it before Lisa had a chance to watch, though, and I was quite upset. Hopefully she and I will be able to arrange our own viewing.